ANOTHER REASON WHY I DON'T GET ANYTHING DONE...

Or another beautiful day in paradise. 77 degrees. 9 pm.


Things that must be done before starting to write for the day.
Clean papers off settee and straighten cushions.
Lift Touloose off computer.
Turn on computer.
Make coffee.
Turn on cell phone and sit down in front of computer.
Push Touloose off computer.
Answer emails.
Get up and fix coffee.
Take first sip and feel human again.
Kick Touloose off computer.
Attempt to put keys back in the correct positions after Touloose's claws dislodged them.
Get up and pour another cup of coffee.
Throw Touloose off computer.
Realize notes were in stack of papers that were removed from settee. Lift Touloose off papers. Find notes.
Pour another cup of coffee.
Hear loud engine in next slip. Go up on deck and see boat careering toward stern of ORION. Push off boat and help couple tie up to dock. Listen to wife complain about husband. Listen to husband complain about wife. Agree with both.
Go back down below. Toss Touloose off computer to the floor and then feel bad and play with him with the laser pointer for the next 20 minutes.
Dump out cold coffee and pour fresh cup.
Shove Touloose off computer.
Drink coffee.
Drink LOTS of coffee.
So what about you?
What are your morning rituals?

IF IT'S MONDAY I MUST BE SITTING IN MY COCKPIT DRINKING COFFEE...

76 DEGREES AND 7 AM

WHAT I AM DOING NOW:
Trying to revise, write, edit my next WIP and finish my homework for my last class for my certificate in disability studies.
WHAT I WANT TO DO:
Start ORION'S engine, loosen the lines, cast off and motor out of the harbor. I want to raise the main sail or maybe just use the jib as there's not much wind today.
I would rather be sailing. I'd rather anchor just off shore at our favorite place and snorkel and swim with the dolphins.
But I'm not.
Life gets in the way of what you want to do.
But not for my beta reader KEVIN. He's my neighbor here at the harbor-- I turned him on to blogging and that's a good thing. Check out his videos. Kevin designs houses and teaches Vectorworks all on his catamaran.
Let me know how you like his videos. He has several on his blog. Make him happy by commenting.
We both know what it's like to have work to do but be tempted by the ocean and the winds.
So now it's back to work. I have to create some difficulties for a few of my protagonists so they don't get complacent.
And then I'm going swimming.
Ah the life of a writer. It's tough but somebody's got to do it...

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

OR A LOTTERY TICKET BY ANY OTHER NAME MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A GROCERY STORE RECEIPT...

7:44 AM and 76 degrees. Another chilly morning in Honolulu.
One of the most interesting things about having a novel published in other countries is working with translators. For those of you who are unfamiliar with how things work. This will be a quick tutorial (those familiar can skip ahead to the end-of-chapter quiz).
My novel was sold to Putnam and they bought only North American rights (English) so LOTTERY has been sold to other countries (Italy, Israel, the Netherlands, England, Sweden, Japan, Portugal, Korea, Spain, Finland, China, Taiwan, Russia, Romania...well you get the picture...)
When a country buys a novel they are responsible for doing the translation. And that's when it gets REALLY fun and fascinating.
I love language (of course I'm a writer!) so it's interesting to me to see how this is all done. Many times the author is unaware that the translation has been completed. For instance my Dutch publisher translated Lottery and I didn't know a thing! I sent a Dutch copy of LOTERIJ to my cousin Helge in Norway - who read it and pronounced it wonderful. The Dutch translator just made a minor alteration -- they changed my horse's name on the dedication page from "Airborne" to "Piloot". I like "Piloot" a lot and may name my next horse that.
My Swedish translator just needed to know whether my aunt (mentioned in my acknowledgments page) was my maternal aunt or paternal aunt as in Sweden there are distinct names for each. I thought that was remarkable.
My Korean publisher asked me to write a preface for my Korean readers and that was great fun...
But I have to say my most enjoyable experience so far has been being able to work with my diligent and brilliant Japanese translator Sayuri Kobayashi.
We both discovered that some of my words needed clarification. For example how would you all describe the Lottery ticket above in a way any reader anywhere could visualize it?
Washington State lottery tickets come in strips and you get two chances to win for each dollar paid. The ticket above is like the one Perry bought each week. It's five dollars worth of lottery tickets but just on one piece of paper. For those older people (like me!) the first lotto tickets were a single ticket that you scratched off and exposed your numbers...times change... and with the advent of computers the Lotto tickets changed as well...I digress...
And there were other things.
I had to explain when Gram expressed disgust "Mild Schmild!!! Education Schmeducation!"
Schmeducation is NOT in the English dictionary as Sayuri found out...
How would you translate that?!
Any of you who have grandparents who use colloquialisms or local turns of phrases can easily see how complex this can get. The translator then has a really important job to not only be true to the author's intent but allow their readers to understand in that particular language.
I have a lot of respect and admiration for translators who work with literature.
It's hard work. How do you translate slang?
And jokes!
How do you translate puns? And word play?
EGADS!! Wait. How do you translate this?
It's enough to make you want to pull your hair out...or shave your head... or tug your tresses...
Get the picture? um well er (Now how do I translate THAT!?)
So this post is to Sayuri san and all my other wonderful translators.
SAYURI SAN WA
SUBARASII HON YA KUKA
DESU!!!!

YOU ALL SO TOTALLY ROCK!!!
Now that can be understood in EVERY language!

"WHEREVER YOU GO...THERE YOU ARE..." BUCKAROO BANZAI

GET A COMPASS, PREFERABLY A SILVER ONE!
Holly Kennedy's next book is out April 1, 2008.
THE SILVER COMPASS
This is number three. Her first one was THE TIN BOX and then her second was THE PENNY TREE (Booksence Notable) and now THE SILVER COMPASS
SO...
I thought it fitting to use a quote from my all-time favorite movie. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension
(Wherever you go? Compass. Direction? Get it?)
Why is this fitting? Why is this my favorite movie? And why should you care?
What does writing books have to do with Buckaroo Banzai? Particle Physicist...Rocket Scientist...Neurosurgeon and Rock Star? (A guy after my own heart considering my career history)?
It's this.
Each time I rave about how wonderful this movie is and play it to anyone who happens to be my best friend at the time - They hate it. They roll their eyes. They fall asleep. They decide they have to go home at 10 PM on a Saturday night and clean their bathroom or something...well not everybody...but most everybody...
I eventually decided that liking this movie would be my main criteria for selecting friends...if they understood the phrase "PENNY GET OFF THE PHONE" or "WE WILL NO LONGER BE SELLING LITHIUM ON CREDIT"
It was why I married my husband. It was his favorite movie too...
So....

With Holly's book released and Lottery trade paperback soon to be out AND everything else going on, I thought I'd talk about a DIRTY LITTLE SECRET...
Ha!
I got your attention now. You won't know anything about it until you've published your first novel. Are you ready?
Okay.
Not everyone will like your book. Just like the fact that not every body loves Buckaroo Banzai.
GASP! There. I've said it.
Let me tell you I was thrown for a loop! Now REALLY!
How a single offhand comment on Goodreads calling me "full of myself" because of a required letter to the booksellers placed at the front of my ARC could send me into a dither of self analysis and straight to a couch and talking to a shrink...well maybe I exaggerate...
I did however stumble upon a vociferous online debate by readers (none of whom actually read my book) -discussing that between Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time and Forest Gump --we don't need any more books about people with mental challenges...especially ones who win the lottery... thankyouverymuch.
Maybe I'm a tad sensitive...maybe I am too self absorbed.
Maybe it's NOT all about me (I highly doubt this but I included it just to be on the safe side)
My friend Holly had great advice:
"Get used to it. Ignore it. And get back to writing that next book."

Okay...

Now I'll get my tongue out of my cheek and my hand off your leg and stop pulling.
As a writer you can rationalize and understand intellectually that your book will not resonate with everyone.
We know this but they never tell you in new-author-school that people will have strong opinions about your book even though they haven't necessarily read it. That people will talk about your book's cover in great detail but not the content.
Too bad. Move on.
It's true.
*Breathe*
All right. My soap box (the diatribe not the derby) is well and truly done.
I got it now.
Not everyone will enjoy my book.
There. I said it.
But like when my seventh grade teacher told me, "... everybody in the world dies...no one lives forever..."
I really thought that I would be the exception...

THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA...

At least that's what my mother always said each time a boy broke up with me...

I didn't believe her until I moved aboard ORION and discovered that yes, there ARE plenty of fish in the sea...
While I have my feet up and devour bonbons as it is SPRING BREAK I will wax philosophical.
The characters in my current novel are wildly uncooperative. They are totally unmanageable. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Maybe I was too lax. Too permissive.
My husband said I needed to take a firmer hand with them when they were younger.
"Look at HOLLY KENNEDY'S characters!" He said "They don't act like that."
It's true.
Other author's characters are exemplary citizens. They're passing their classes. Attending good universities. Marrying excellent spouses who are doctors and lawyers.
Not mine.
Mine are spending nights going from bar to bar. Sleeping until noon. Unemployed or in the process of getting laid off.
No morals. Untrustworthy.
I know for a fact they're stealing from me. I had a twenty-dollar bill in my purse just yesterday and now it's gone.
What's a writer to do?
I've sacrificed everything for them and this is how they repay me.
I have WAY TOO much imagination today.
Anyway.
It's just like the fish. There are plenty of characters out there to choose from.
I think it's time to turn mine back in and pick out another batch.
What about you?
How do you punish unruly characters?

THE G-4 POWER MAC IS DEAD...LONG LIVE THE NEW MAC BOOK WITH POWER SURGE PROTECTION AND BACKUP...

OPEN LETTER TO MY COMPUTER WHO CRASHED...
Dear EX-Mac,
It's been a week now without you. I can't help but think you will regret this decision of yours. Sure we were used to each other. Sure we started to take each other for granted but you never gave me a chance to do back up or even go for counseling...
I miss all my emails...my thesis proposal (that was a real unnecessary and petty retaliation on your part). I appreciate that you at least gave me the courtesy of allowing me to have all my manuscripts on thumb drives but losing my homework for my very last PhD class? That was below the belt.
What ever happens with the rest of your life -- I hope you are happy with your choice of the mac tech service person -- Dustin is his name? If you ask me you'll regret it.
Oh and I haven't let myself sit around and mope. No sir! I'm going out with a new guy.
Here's his photo.

He's a LOT YOUNGER THAN YOU!!!! And has MORE THAN ENOUGH GIGS to satisfy me. His cord is MUCH MUCH longer than yours but you know what they say...it's not the length of the cord -- it's the energy that goes through it and he has plenty for me.
I want you to know that I have no hard feelings...really...other than I hope you rot forever in a pile of used computer parts I will try to be amicable as we did produce several wonderful projects together.
By the way LOTTERY will not be speaking to you ever again. He is really more my child than yours no matter what I can always depend on HIS support.
Good bye forever,
(oh and no matter what you say I KNOW it wasn't a power surge that lost me your love -- I remember those advertisements for Mac-Made-Easy that you left laying around. I should have been suspicious then but I thought you would NEVER EVER crash on me.
I was SO wrong.
Good bye and Aloha,
You can send all correspondence through my agent Dorian Karchmar of William Morris Agency. I WON'T be returning your calls.
Patricia Wood

My therapist thinks writing this letter will help me cope. I feel better already. For any of you bloggers who think I may have lost your emails please DO email me at Patricia@patriciawoodauthor.com
Sympathy cards can be sent to me care of William Morris Agency.
Oh.
And a huge HUGE congratulations to all those who were long listed for the ORANGE PRIZE for fiction:

Anita Amirrezvani The Blood of Flowers
Stella Duffy The Room of Lost Things
Jennifer Egan The Keep
Anne Enright The Gathering
Linda Grant The Clothes on Their Backs
Tessa Hadley The Master Bedroom
Nancy Huston Fault Lines
Gail Jones Sorry
Sadie Jones The Outcast
Lauren Liebenberg The Voluptuous Delights of Peanut Butter and Jam
Charlotte Mendelson When We Were Bad
Deborah Moggach In The Dark
Anita Nair Mistress
Heather O'Neill Lullabies for Little Criminals
Elif Shafak The Bastard of Istanbul
Dalia Sofer The Septembers of Shiraz
Scarlett Thomas The End of Mr Y
Carol Topolski Monster Love
Rose Tremain The Road Home
Patricia Wood Lottery

I'LL NEVER FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT EATING AN ORANGE AGAIN

CHECK IT OUT.

THIS JUST IN!!!!!
Sarah Michelle Gellar has bought the film option to LOTTERY
I am SO much a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
And that folks is just another Tuesday on ORION...

DO DO THAT VOODOO THAT HOODOO SO WELL...

According to Native American mythology these sandstone pillars were malevolent monsters turned to stone. Holly Kennedy says they are called Hoodoos. She is most likely lying.
I on the other hand considered them another opportunity to jump up and down in the front seat and beg Holly to stop the truck.

Then there were the Three Sisters we saw in Canmore. I had to pull the key out of the ignition here.

Which was another opportunity to insist that Holly pull over to the side of the road. She didn't slap me hard.
And then?
We had a book club discussion in Silver Tip.
It took a bit to get the crowd to settle down. They were really into rough housing.

During the reading they were quiet.Holly really knows how to get a group paying attention.

When we finished they didn't have any questions and left without buying any books...
what a rip off.
Holly apologized for driving off and forgetting me. I was lucky it was only three miles to the closest Starbucks...
How far would YOU walk for a skinny venti latte?

K-K-K-KANANASKIS AND K-K-K-KOUNTING...

I'M K-K-K-KOLD...

This is Elbow Falls where Holly will go with her dog, sit on a bench and edit. How can you not be inspired to write here?
I loved it so much I wanted a photo of myself in front of the falls.

This is just before Holly accidentally dropped her sunglasses over the edge. It only took me three trys to retrieve them. I totally understand why Holly had me ride back home on the roof. I was pretty wet.
The Doctor says I should regain feeling in my fingers and toes soon.
Thanks to Chumplet for the advice about the leafs. Too late. I bought a shirt on sale at the Calgary Airport. I figured showing my love of hockey would be a good thing...Although I didn't know Toronto wasn't in Aberta.
Hmmm...maybe THAT'S why I was attacked and wrestled to the ground in the parking lot at 7-11...

CALGARY...THE GATEWAY TO HOLLY'S HOUSE

10:20 pm and 46 degrees. Yes. That's right. FORTY-SIX.

I had to take the photos of the horses at the Calgary Airport.

Before I left Seattle I had an amazing discussion with the Northwest Airlines book club. Good food. Good conversation. Good questions. These ladies totally ROCK!



Okay now I'm in Canada. I had to go through customs. As soon as I saw the dogs I got a little nervous. I mean really... what if tooloose got the bright idea to sneak a little contraband catnip in my suitcase?
Customs lady: Why are you here in Canada?
Me: Uh...er...um...I'm visiting.
Customs lady: Why are you visiting.
Me: Uh...er...I'm visiting my author friend...uh...er...because uh...I like her?
Customs lady. What is your friend's name.
NOTE* The customs lady is looking at me very sternly and motioning the dog over.
Me: (hopefully)Her name is Holly Kennedy. I'm an author too.
Customs lady: Did you bring your books?
NOTE* customs lady is frowning and I start sweating. She is OBVIOUSLY not a reader.
Me: uh...yes...er...no...uh...just one book...uh...to give her for like...uh a present you know...Doesn't anybody give you presents? Ha ha. (Laughs weakly)
Customs lady: (Not laughing)where does your friend live?

(Okay readers I have to say that I COMPLETELY had a black out temporary loss of memory)
I said um and er and gee and then took a guess.
Me: She lives in Calgary? (I figured since that's where I landed it would be a good guess.)
Well she let me go but I could tell she was reluctant...
Stay tuned for MORE adventures in Canada. Oh and I am really lucky Holly picked me up as I never took Canadian in school. Holly speaks fluent Canadian.
I'm learning.
eh?

SEA URCHINS...THE OTHER YELLOW MEAT

Physics problem number one:
If it's 4 pm and 78 degrees in Hawaii...how cold is it in Calgary and when will train A's path intersect with train B's.
And which DID come first? The chicken? Or the Egg?



Creature of the week:
The Sea Urchin. This is an unusual one. I think it's called the roughened sea urchin. It looks how I feel. All prickly.
I catch a plane in...5 hours and 3 minutes...
I get to visit my sister in Gig Harbor and sign some books for the Borders there and then I am ACTUALLY GOING TO EXPERIENCE WINTER.
Yes. It's true. I am going to Calgary, Canada. The land of the very cold people. I will sign some books and be entertained by Holly's family. I can hardly wait.
Holly promised me warm clothes.Boots. A warm bed. Food to eat. And two young children to torture. She also said I could play in the snow.
What could be better than that?
I will blog on the road.
Maybe Holly and I can having dueling blogs.
You'll find out what authors talk about when they get together...
So. My suit case is ALMOST packed.
What should I be sure to bring? And what should I bring back?

THROUGH THE WATER DARKLY...

When is something the truth and when is it false? When is a memoir a lie? We all have ideas on what has happened in our lives. We are all prone to exaggeration. Or are we?

I just read about another memoir in publishers marketplace HERE that has been shown to be untrue.
This is why I enjoy writing fiction. I admit it. I love to exaggerate.
"It must have been over 1000 degrees in that room!!!"
"We were stuck in traffic for HOURS!"
"I was in labor for DAYS!!!"
"That dress looks great on you."
"No I didn't take the last chocolate."
"Sure, I think you've lost weight."
I think you get what I mean. The things I haven't done?
Tell someone I've been in a country that I haven't.
Lied about where I went to school or whether I graduated.
Lied about my age.
Okay maybe not.
Lied about my wieght.
Okay maybe not.
But I haven't lied about anything IMPORTANT. Like if I read a book when I haven't...
Okay maybe that was a bad example.
So what do you think? What's the difference between enhancement and a lie?
Is exaggeration and embellishment a problem?
Inquiring minds want to know.

And while you're thinking...Here's a way cool photo of the book club I chatted with on Tuesday.
Mr. Taniguchi's ITE 314 class from the University of Hawaii. The discussion was lively and we had a grand time!

I think they all voted that three venti lattes was WAY TOO much for the author Patricia Wood...

WHAT IT'S LIKE LIVING IN HAWAII ON A BOAT...OR...I BET YOU DON'T HAVE AN ENGINE ROOM IN YOUR HALLWAY

The guts of ORION.


I've had several readers and writers request that I post about what living on a boat is like.
Well.
Okay.
Fine.
But I don't know what the big deal is. I mean, it's just like a house. Really. One that when you step out the front door you plunge into a pool of diesel laden saltwater over your head.
One that requires more maintenance and money than a 16 year old girl at her first prom.
One that could sink up to the second floor bedroom windows.
One that shifts up and down. Back and forth. And periodically escapes and bumps into the neighboring residence.

"It moves?" You ask.
Well, yes. It moves.
"All the time?" You ask.
Well, yes. All the time.
During storm surges and high winds we're heeling right at the dock.
At night I hear water lapping and the bilge pump going on at quiet moments. This is comforting because it reassures me I will not wake up below the water line.
The fantasy of living on a boat usually requires a glass of wine, a sunset, a cute deckhand in short shorts and lounge chairs next to the helipad.
The reality?
A grumpy husband with his s*** covered armpit deep in a toilet that ceased to function at 3 am or me filling a water tank at 11 pm with shampoo in my hair and a bathrobe covering a soapy body.
Take your pick.
And then a green sea turtle paddles over and begins munching the seaweed on the hull. The morning sun sneaks upwards and lights the Waianae Range and we both lean against cockpit cushions and sip our hot coffee.

It's the best of times. It's the worst of times.
Wait. I think that line's been taken...
It's just so totally cool.
Oh er...I guess that's been taken too.
Kay Den
This blog is now open for questions.

A FEW NEW BOOKS OUT THIS MONTH BROUGHT TO YOU BY TOULOOSE

TOULOOSE THINKS EVERYBODY NEEDS TO READ MORE AND THAT OVERALL BOOKS NEED TO BE SOFTER...


It's so exciting to have bloggers and cyberfriends find success!
I thought I'd ask Touloose to do a few reviews - here are some of his favorites out this month that I hope you will check out.
Obedience by Will Lavender

Kirkus gave Will's book a fabulous review. Touloose gave it two paws up but thought it needed more cats.
Will and I are AW (Absolute Write) buddies and he's always there to hand out advice to new writers.
Another author who offers advice to new writers: Therese Fowler. Her book Souvenir was first published in the UK and now makes its debut here this month.

Therese's book deals not just with romance but controversy as well. Right to die issues make for contention and being involved in disability studies I have been on both sides of this discussion. Therese's book provides much food for thought.
Touloose also gave this book two paws up but reflected that the story would have been even better if the main character had been a cat.
Blogger Carleen Brice also has a book on the shelves.

Orange Mint and Honey was called an "accomplished debut" by Publisher's Weekly. Touloose thought that again cat's were not emphasized enough in the plot and suggested adding several would have given the book more tension.
So here are three books you can add to your
TO BE READ pile.
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN APPROVED BY TOULOOSE AND REFLECTS HIS PERSONAL OPINIONS AND NOT NECESSARILY THE OPINION OF BLOGGER.
Happy Reading

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR...

First the good news. I live in Hawaii. It's warm.

That bad news?
Read on.


This is my Rolodex of foreign rights contracts. These are only slightly more complex than putting a human on the moon or designing a perpetual motion machine. Or maybe inventing hot fudge sundaes with only ten calories...
10:21 and 76 degrees.
Here's where a writer can get stymied. I'd really rather be writing but er uh the Tax Man cometh. Or is that the Ice Man? Hmmm.
I'll have to straighten out my theater references.
The day to day reality of business can get in the way of artistic creation.
I designed this handy dandy book o' receipts. It had places for each month's expenses.


January 2007. All papers and receipts went in the book immediately. Entered neatly. Totaled.
February 2007. After a few days delay. I gathered Februarys receipts up. Entered them a week later.
March 2007 I totaled February receipts and stuffed March's into my purse.
April 2007 I put March receipts from my purse to the nav station table. April receipts? Where the heck did I put April receipts?
May 2007 Found April receipts in forward cabin being used as cat beds.
June 2007 Life is good.
July 2007 No worries.
August 2007 What are all these papers doing on the nav table and in the forward cabin?
September 2007 What are all these papers doing in my purse, on the nav table and in the forward cabin?
October 2007 Somebody scared me by dressing up as an IRS auditor on Halloween. Hmmm. Maybe I should think about...nah...there's plenty of time.
November 2007 I love Turkey. What are all these receipts doing in my oven?
December 2007 I love Christmas. What are all these receipts doing under my tree?
January 2008. uh oh.
Find handy dandy Book O' Receipts that has lain dormant for nine months.
Find receipts in drawers, on tables, under tables, in purse.
Spend month of February sorting, filing, adding, printing, remembering.
INTERESTING FACT:
Do you know that charge receipts fade after only a few months?
So back to my work in progress.
Oh.
My receipts are now being carefully filed by Touloose.
Every cat needs a part time job.

YOU CAN'T GET THERE FROM HERE...OR...WHERE IN THE WORLD IS THE AUTHOR PATRICIA WOOD?

A new take on WHERE'S WALDO

10 am and 81 degrees.
So I get an overnight FED EX package from NEW YORK.
I open it up.
A large yellow envelope slips out addressed to:
PATRICIA WOOD AUTHOR OF LOTTERY
and PUTNAM'S address.
Rachel my editor's very uber rock assistant sends me a note attached.
"FAN MAIL," she writes.
"HOW COOL," I thought which makes me think of my friend who lives in ALASKA.
The Yellow Envelope contains a smaller white envelope - this was becoming kind of like those wooden RUSSIAN DOLLS that get tinier and tinier as you open them up.
It's been marked "RETURN TO SENDER."
Because it's addressed to"PATRICIA WOOD AUTHOR OF LOTTERY KOOLINA HAWAII
That's all.
I open it up.
It's a note.
As I read, I could feel my head swell. After I SLAPPED MYSELF AS HOLLY ALWAYS WANTS TO DO and re read some negative reviews it went right back to NORMAL.
The scene from the Oscars came to mind.
"YOU LIKE ME...YOU REALLY LIKE ME..."
A writer is so alone when they're creating a novel. When I'm working I'm engrossed in my story and loving it but I have no idea how anyone else is going to like it.
THE REST OF THE STORY.
The return address of the note?
Is Honolulu, Hawaii.
This lovely note traveled around Hawaii. Flew to New York back and forth. And arrived back to ME.
How cool is that.
So I'm sure you ALL have stories about mail malfunction.
Bring it on...

A HEART FULL OF SADNESS ON VALENTINE'S DAY

Founder's Library at Northern Illinois University. My master's thesis resides there. I spent hours in this library.


I am simply in shock. My alma mater.
Manic mommy and I both attended Northern Illinois University. I was there from 1977 to 1982. I earned a Bachelor's and a Master's degree there. My son flew kites on campus and played with his toy trucks down the corridor of Montgomery Hall while I attended class. He was even chased by the famous goose that lived in the lake.
Located out in the middle of the cornfields, DeKalb was as safe a place as you could possibly find.
Disco. Saturday Night Live. Wet tee shirt contests. The humid summers and the snow encrusted winters.
I am so sorry that this has happened. We so need to eliminate how easy it is to get guns in this country.
My heart aches for the people who endured this trauma and destruction.
There is nothing more to say.

HOW DO YOU GET THERE FROM HERE?

Semi-blue sky. 79 degrees. Word of the day: Disorganization.
Okay.
I'm way out here in the Ocean. That's my starting point.
I want to get to shore.
How do I do that?

So I'm writing this novel see.
And I've got this beginning see.
And I've got this end see?
But er uh it's this pesky middle part gets me mired down. There are so many POSSIBILITIES. I get so distracted. Maybe this is what attracts me to writing. I create these characters and this situation and then I make things happen. It's kind of like being God. Oh. Gee. Don't get all offended. (But it IS you know).
So my next novel has a boy with a dream.
A mechanic with a secret.
An aunt with regrets.
A ghost.
And a horse.
That's as much as I will tell you. I don't like talking about my projects in any great detail unless I'm pondering over a plot point or brainstorming. There was an interesting article in Writers and Poets some time back that described the phenomenon of talking "out" a project until all creativity was lost. I can really understand how this can happen. Very often authors will only drop a premise of a line or 2 to whet the interest of readers and then stay mum...
So now I'm taking a break.
Blogging.
Taking a breather.
There's a point to all this. My blog is a way of thinking out loud. A sort of writers' conversation with myself so to speak...and then? There's all these commenters!! How cool is that? It's like talking to yourself and then you get a bunch of answers back. Readers say "Oh that sounds cool I want to read that book - hurry and write it."
Other writers say "gee that's what I do- I'm NOT weird after all!"
And my husband says "I thought today was the day you were going to clean the boat and NOT write or blog."
oops.

GUNG HEE FAT CHOY

8 PM 76 Degrees and too much time on my hands.
I want to be a horse...

I appreciate the Chinese New Year. This is the year of the rat. I happen to be a snake and my husband is a horse. I wanted to be the horse. But no. I get to be the snake. Why the snake? I'm always the snake. I don't want to be the snake anymore. I want to be the horse. It's not fair. Not fair at all.
To play this game you have to know your birth year -- your real one -- not the one you tell everybody.
FIND YOUR ANIMAL HERE
Below are the choices:
CAUTION: Here is where I dis all the other horoscope animals.

Rat
Rat people are charming. An example is when we say "You dirty rat..."

Ox
Ox people are bright. Yeah.
I think this is where we say dumb as an Ox

Tiger
Tiger people are emotional and cry easily.
Then they eat you. They are always really, really sorry afterwards

Hare
Rabbits play in the moon light and take crazy chances.
They are often found in mental health facilities...and not as the caretakers (hint hint)

Dragon
Dragon people follow their own drummer. If they are rich then they are eccentric. It they are poor then they are deeply disturbed. If they are celebrities then they are in rehab.

Snake
Snake people are perfect. (Sneaky but perfect.)

Horse
Horse people are wild and free and will kick you in the butt if you turn your back on them.
They are not to be trusted.

Lamb
Lamb people are shy.
They are wusses and are often given wedgies in the school lavatories.

Monkey
Monkey people? MONKEY PEOPLE? Ha! Need I say more?

Rooster
Rooster people are moody. They get up way too early in the morning and are often found combing their hair. Elvis is only part Rooster.

Dog
Dog people are loyal and honest. They will get nowhere in life.

Boar
Boar people are real pigs

So go. Look yourself up. Then tell me if you match your animal. If you have trouble I can help point out all your negative qualities...

THOSE PESKY CHARACTERS AND NEW AND IMPROVED WEBSITES

MY CATS ARE SERIOUSLY FREAKED...

You Are a Rottweiler Puppy

Powerful, smart, and protective. You're eager to growl at anyone you hate - but you're a big sweetheart inside.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

Check it out. Let me know how you like my NEW AND EVEN MORE IMPROVED WEBSITE.
You may have to hit refresh...


They come by when you least expect it. Characters. Like this one. He wants to be in a novel. He'd prefer to be in a cozy mystery but he'll take a romance...or even a thriller. Like, uh, teenage mutant turtle ninjas . It's a role he's studied carefully. He was made to play it. He's a natural.

75 degrees and 8:21pm.

It was an exciting week. First of all I was taped to be on TV. On one side of me was Charles Memminger - a journalist I admire - and the other side? Gary Moore a Little Richard impersonator. Hey. You can't make this s*** up!
SEE ME HERE AFTER MONDAY It will be broadcast after the 9 pm channel 5 news and also be online.

Afterwards I met the WORLD FAMOUS LIBRARIAN Peg.

I tagged along with Peg and her husband and we wandered around Chinatown in the pouring rain then we all had dinner together. I SO love librarians who come visit me in Hawaii.
So now? Yes it's back to work. With those pesky characters. I need them to come up with at least 20,000 more words in a hurry.
"It was a dark and stormy night for the teenage turtle wannabe mutant ninja. Suddenly a door slammed. A woman screamed. A dog howled. The stock market plunged.
The body floated in the harbor. Meanwhile downtown, Sydney looked in the mirror and felt his growth of beard. Damn that testosterone...
Okay commenters. We have 19,949 words to go. It's all yours.

ONLY IN HAWAII...OR GO HALF WAY UP CALIFORNIA AND TURN LEFT

This request came from Kimber An
"More pictures of Hawaii"

"Hawaii is a unique state.
It is a small state.
It is a state that is by itself.
It is different than the other 49 states.
Well, all states are different, but its got a particularly unique situation."
This was said by former US VP Dan Quale.

Yeah. Well. An exotic location like Hawaii can add cache to an author, but poses unique challenges. Like the long swim to California. And the fact that my arches are flat from only wearing flip flops.
Sure, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking all I do is loll in the sun, swim, and drink maitais all day.
First of all you're forgetting I have to snorkel and go to luaus too. And my drink of choice is a pina colada or anything with rum.
But outside of that there is something a bit isolating about never having winter. About hearing all the fun you all are having with sleet and snow and wind chill factors.
I feel positively left out.
So it's 11 pm and 74 degrees outside.
Do you know where your muse is?

THE LIAR'S DIARY BY PATRY FRANCIS

There are times the community of authors becomes very tight indeed.
Hang in there Patry.
Our thoughts are with you.
And for my blogging buddies? Here's a great book.

THE LIARS DIARY

ITS ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEE

NOTE: THIS IS NOT A PHOTO OF ME.
Some blog readers appear to be disillusioned.
Lit agent blogs are full of commenters with complaints about us debut authors.
I paraphrase here:
New authors are selfish.
They are too self-absorbed. Blog readers don't want to hear pearls of wisdom about writing. They're sick and tired of hearing every single teeny tiny detail about the publishing process.
They positively HATE debut authors who set themselves up as gurus as if they (and they alone) know the secret to getting requests for fulls and partials.
And that neener neener neener attitude?
It sucks, thank you very much.
So there.
Okay.
Fine.
We aren't going to talk about me on this blog post.
We aren't going to talk about what I'm doing or about Baby Horse or giving Paul Theroux riding lessons.
We're not even going to talk about Touloose. Or the fact that I just got SIX copies of my Dutch edition. Or the fact that I'm doing my taxes.
Or that my UK edition made the Tesco chart and I got a perfectly wonderful email from Tess Gerritsen about seeing piles of LOTTERY at the book stores in England and Scotland.
We aren't going to talk about that.
We aren't going to talk about what my next novel is about and how part of my research was learning archery with a toy bow and arrow and it ended up being a total waste of time as I ended up throwing that part of the book out and re writing it.
We aren't going to talk about that.
We aren't going to discuss how too many writers use "as" clauses and "tell not show."
We aren't going to talk about meeting really-cool librarians from Wisconsin who go to Hawaii on vacation and meet debut authors.
And how much fun book clubs are. We DEFINITLY are not going to talk about bookclubs from New Jersey or Maryland or Florida or Ohio or California or New York or Colorado or Hawaii or Maine or...
We aren't going to talk about that.
NOT AT ALL.
Not one bit.
Okay.
I feel much better now demonstrating that I can go for one entire blog post not talking about myself.
Don't you?
So how about it?
What do you want me to not talk about?

AND HERE'S A HINT...ONE TO COMPARE

NO THIS IS NOT ORION...IT'S A NEIGHBOR'S SLOOP.
See what you can come up with...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE

OR: Write what you know...

74 degrees 8:18 pm
So we found this picture in an ad for charts in a boating magazine. The title of the ad was: THINK YOU DON'T NEED ACCURATE CHARTS? JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR ELECTRONICS FAIL.
And Gordon said you'd have bigger problems than charts, if you were sailing this boat.
Looks ok?
Well maybe research really does work the same as knowing exactly how something works in fiction.
But?
Writers have to be really really careful.
So why does this ad make me think that the advertiser knows nothing about sailing.
Supply your conjectures.
Hint.
There's more than one reason...
Now I'm not saying a writer actually has to fly a plane. Go up in space. Fight an alien. Ride a horse or sail a boat to write about them.
A writer just has to have a great imagination and preselect their beta readers who have expertise.
But when readers like me read a book and it's about scuba diving and the author doesn't mention the bubbles stream upward to the surface- in fact they describe glistening orbs gently following the diver underwater. Or maybe their book is about a medical laboratory in a hospital and they have their lab techs work directly with blood, without gloves and face shields or maybe they are writing about an architect and have him design a multimillion dollar building on a napkin in a restaurant instead of using CAD.
Whatever the mistake I believe readers will search it out and find it.
It's not that a writer has to have direct experience it's just that we have to fool the reader so they think we do.
So.
What's wrong with this picture?

FEATHER DUSTER WORMS NO KA OI

He's shy. He's oh so shy.

8:30 pm The air conditioner is on. 73 degrees.
The author is slightly indisposed. Or sea sick. You choose.
I've been doing some reading. Some writing. Being analytical about my novels. Excited to talk to Book Clubs.
Getting distracted. Ah yes. The distractions.
A Day in the Life
The Attention Deficit Author.
5:30 am
Lie to husband that I'm getting up.
5:35 am
Get up because Cat hurled on bed.
6:00 am
Make coffee
6:30 am
Put water in coffee pot
7:00
Start writing
7:05
Answer email.
7:10
Write
7:12
Answer email.
7: 23
Write.
7:25
Answer email
7:30
GOOGLE ALERT
8:00
unplug router
8:20
Break into cold sweat.
8:30
Plug router back in.
8:35
Unplug router.
9:00
Write.
Noon
Realize that I have written for three hours without interruptions and do happy dance around computer.
12:01
Cat walks on keyboard deleting aforementioned accomplishment.
12:02
Plug router back in.
12:03
GOOGLE ALERT.
12:05
Write.
12:10
Surf net looking for scientific name of Kangaroos.
1:50
Now looking for vacation destinations in Australia.
2:10
Take survey whether obsessive compulsive.
3:20
Still taking survey.
4:24
Husband calls
4:26
Unplug router.
4:30
Write
4:45
Husband comes home.
Author assures husband that she had productive day and asks where he wants to take said author to dinner...

GETTING FROM THE BEGINNING TO THE END OR HOW TO WRITE A NOVEL IN THREE EASY STEPS

NUMBER ONE:
FIND YOUR PREMISE

Here I am in the Pacific Ocean, which everyone knows contains more than its share of premises, ideas, and first sentences (and quite a few last sentences, too). It is rumored that this is where "My name is Ishmael" came from.
11 pm and 74 degrees.
Always helpful.
That's me. Not only do I provide instructions on the care and feeding of editors' Mothers, I also give valuable nuggets and novel writing tips. Just what the aspiring writer needs, to finish that sure to be best seller.
After selecting your premise you then have to (and here we have the next point)
NUMBER TWO
Write it until it is done.
This can be readily accomplished by putting a thousand monkeys in a room and letting them type away for eons. You can speed the process if you give them paper and occasionally bananas...

And finally: NUMBER THREE
editing and revisioning

It can be difficult to visualize this process. Here is an example of a novel with a great beginning and end but that has flaws in the middle. A writer must address this floppy structure or...um...their horses can escape.
Well I hope this helps.
I for one plan to follow this advice myself. In fact I will be back out in the ocean premise hunting tomorrow.
So I have a question.
Where do you land lubbers get your ideas?
Inquiring minds want to know...

UNREALISTIC PLOT LINES OR HOW TO KIDNAP AND HOLD YOUR EDITOR'S MOTHER HOSTAGE

I had such fun last week. I was a designated authorial tour guide.

DEAR EDITOR,
I HAVE YOUR MOTHER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAGOON...
10 pm and 72 degrees. Looks like we have to pull out the winter blankets tonight.
My editor who UBER ROCKS has a mother who also UBER ROCKS.
I got to steal her away from her hotel and take her on a whirlwind tour of the island. I even put her on top of the world famous wonder horse Airborne. We snorkeled, watched waves, drove around the island and ate some excellent lunches.
I was tempted to keep her but was persuaded to send her back. I think all authors should meet their editor's mothers.
What does this have to do with writing?
Well.
Many times on writers' blogs and message boards there is this negativity about publishing professionals. Writers talk about agents who won't give them a chance and editors who take pleasure in rejecting writers.
I'd like to present another side.
Agents who love the written word and who fall in love with the premises and voices of their clients. Who go to bat for them and watch out for them.
And the editors who become friends with their authors. Who have made their books better and who take pleasure in the fact that they have given readers something special.
They have families. They have mothers. They are real people.
They are not out to get writers.
They are out to find them.
So Mahalo (thank you) and Aloha
to:
Peternelle Van Arsdale of Putnam (US hardback)
Jackie Cantor of Berkely (US trade paperback)
and
Jason Arthur of William Heinemann (UK)
YOU all more than UBER ROCK
Oh.
Check out the book in POSITION NUMBER TEN ON THE TESCO HARDBACK CHART

GOT FINS?

ANATOMY of a NOVEL

Distractions:
A day in the life.
6:30 pm and 75 degrees.
Things are never what they seem. Fins. On the surface a playful dophin. Underneath? A hungry shark in disguise.
I start out with a premise that I adore. I love it. Can't wait to start. Write the first sentence. YES!!! and they're off.
1000 words. Oh my gosh. This is GOOD. This is going to be big. BIG I tell you.
5000 words. THIS IS THE BEST F***ing STUFF I'VE EVER WRITTEN!!!
10,000 words. hmmm should I change the male nurse to a female transvestite? And a cat. Maybe a dog. Or a fish. And the location. Greece, I think...
20,000 words. This is going nowhere. Maybe a novella. If I do a novella this could be the first draft. I could be done.
30,000 words. Okay what else. There's not enough story here. Instead of Greece maybe Peoria...but that kind of nixes the transvestite. I'll make her a plumber.
40,000 words. Oh no. Now the cat is the main character. And he's swearing too much.
50,000 words. This sucks. No. This REALLY sucks. This sucks so much it's reverse suck.
60,000 words. I'll change the title. Good. Now I have to change the main character's name. Now the POV. I wonder what it would be like in first person limited Omniscient?
70,000 words. I guess it WAS better third person. I'm moving it to Greece again and changing her back to a transvestite.
75,000 words. Portland. How about Portland. And her name's Michelle. No. Donna. No. Sally. No. Leah. No. I think Michelle is good.
80,000 words. Hey. This is getting good. Just a few more line edits (note to self- are there kangaroos in New Zealand)
85,000 words.Oh my gosh. This is GOOD. This is going to be big. BIG I tell you.
90,000 words. This really sucks...

So that's how it is for me. How is it for you?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!***###@@@!!!***###@@@!!!***###AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY AIRBORNE

PLEASE JOIN ME IN WISHING AIRBORNE A VERY HAPPY 26TH BIRTHDAY

On January first all thoroughbreds become one year older no matter what their birth date. Airborne has owned me for over 20 years. In his younger days he was the Hawaii State Jumper Champion for years. He's done it all...
Combined Training and Dressage.

Hunters and Jumpers.


Whatever I've asked him to do he has done willingly with a flair all his own. We've been in clinics with George Morris, Greg Best, Victor Hugo Vidal, Sally O'Connor, General Burton among others...and Airborne has wowed them all.
He has his own unique style. Unmistakable.In a class by himself.A horse in a million.
The four and a half foot fences he used to jump are now cross rails. His canter is a bit stiff and his trot somewhat uneven. But he's still going strong.
And I still learn from him. He takes each day at a time. Appreciates that carrot in his feed tub and a roll in soft grass. He rumbles and nickers when I drive up and already recognizes my new car.
When I make my resolutions for 2008 I've decided to be more like Airborne.
To be thankful for what I have instead of yearning for what I don't.
To do everything possible to excel and never let those who depend on me, down.
To look for those carrots in unlikely places.
And take time to relax and just roll.
So how about you? What are your New Years Resolutions?
NOTE:
This just in: London, England. Heathrow Airport Borders.
Sent by a vigilant blogger.

My loyal but honest husband made me add several more New Years Resolutions:
Stop googling my name obsessively (Note: I am not obsessive -- I just have to do it every thirty minutes).
Stop leaving the sponge in the bottom of the sink all wet and gushy (in my defense since I use it as a cat weapon it has to stay gushy for optimum effect).
Refrain from mentioning anything remotely to do with publishing for at least five minutes out of a 24 hour day (Hey...people are interested... aren't they...hey hey come back! Hey why are they all walking away?).
Have a fabulous 2008 everyone!