Friday, March 21, 2008


Dear EX-Mac,
It's been a week now without you. I can't help but think you will regret this decision of yours. Sure we were used to each other. Sure we started to take each other for granted but you never gave me a chance to do back up or even go for counseling...
I miss all my thesis proposal (that was a real unnecessary and petty retaliation on your part). I appreciate that you at least gave me the courtesy of allowing me to have all my manuscripts on thumb drives but losing my homework for my very last PhD class? That was below the belt.
What ever happens with the rest of your life -- I hope you are happy with your choice of the mac tech service person -- Dustin is his name? If you ask me you'll regret it.
Oh and I haven't let myself sit around and mope. No sir! I'm going out with a new guy.
Here's his photo.

He's a LOT YOUNGER THAN YOU!!!! And has MORE THAN ENOUGH GIGS to satisfy me. His cord is MUCH MUCH longer than yours but you know what they's not the length of the cord -- it's the energy that goes through it and he has plenty for me.
I want you to know that I have no hard feelings...really...other than I hope you rot forever in a pile of used computer parts I will try to be amicable as we did produce several wonderful projects together.
By the way LOTTERY will not be speaking to you ever again. He is really more my child than yours no matter what I can always depend on HIS support.
Good bye forever,
(oh and no matter what you say I KNOW it wasn't a power surge that lost me your love -- I remember those advertisements for Mac-Made-Easy that you left laying around. I should have been suspicious then but I thought you would NEVER EVER crash on me.
I was SO wrong.
Good bye and Aloha,
You can send all correspondence through my agent Dorian Karchmar of William Morris Agency. I WON'T be returning your calls.
Patricia Wood

My therapist thinks writing this letter will help me cope. I feel better already. For any of you bloggers who think I may have lost your emails please DO email me at
Sympathy cards can be sent to me care of William Morris Agency.
And a huge HUGE congratulations to all those who were long listed for the ORANGE PRIZE for fiction:

Anita Amirrezvani The Blood of Flowers
Stella Duffy The Room of Lost Things
Jennifer Egan The Keep
Anne Enright The Gathering
Linda Grant The Clothes on Their Backs
Tessa Hadley The Master Bedroom
Nancy Huston Fault Lines
Gail Jones Sorry
Sadie Jones The Outcast
Lauren Liebenberg The Voluptuous Delights of Peanut Butter and Jam
Charlotte Mendelson When We Were Bad
Deborah Moggach In The Dark
Anita Nair Mistress
Heather O'Neill Lullabies for Little Criminals
Elif Shafak The Bastard of Istanbul
Dalia Sofer The Septembers of Shiraz
Scarlett Thomas The End of Mr Y
Carol Topolski Monster Love
Rose Tremain The Road Home
Patricia Wood Lottery


Sam said...

Oh My!!! Is that the Lottery there on the list?????


That is Gigantic!!!!
I'm SO pleased for you, I'm dancing a jig while typing!


Chumplet said...

As I type on my PowerBook G4 which I bought from my sister for four hundred bucks after her hard drive crashed, I'm reminded of the day when my husband and I pried its tiny body open to insert a new hard drive.

The dents are still there, along with new ones from the time I tripped on the cord and sent the little guy crashing to the floor.

I shall accept the inevitable demise of this little 12" wonder and remember to back up my data on a regular basis.

All hail to webmail. At least I can access my email from my server!

Enjoy your new Mac and your nomination.

Morgan Dempsey said...

Congratulations on the nomination!

Also, loved your letter on the macbook (even though I'm a strong supporter of the PC ;) ). Good on you for moving on and not letting that ma-- I mean, machine ruin your life!

And once more, congrats!!

Colorado Writer said...

Hilarious post about your dead computer...

PS. Congrats on the nom!!!!

The Anti-Wife said...

Wow. I'm off to back up all my files! Nice looking Mac you've got there, lady!

Kimber An said...

That's the way to give 'im the boot!

Congratulations on the nom and all!

mlh said...

Wow! You are harsh with your break-ups. I can almost hear pixels weeping all the way out here on the east coast.

Les said...

Hilarious post! I almost snorted my coffee all over my PC. Yep, I have a PC. My husband, daughter, brother, sister-in-law and father may have all gone to the Dark Side, but I'm still a loyal PC user. ;)

Manic Mom said...

I love your letter to Mac.

Your new guy is totally HOT! I'm sure he will CHARGE you up as long as you keep him charged up! Rrrrr!

Holly Kennedy said...

Your new guy looks slick!
Ooooooh, now I have computer envy.
Ouch. Ouch!

Marva said...

Read about your nomination on Nathan Bransford's blog. You sure do get around, Pat!

Huge congratulations and best of luck. Are you going to London for the awards?

Film option is totally cool as well.

Chumplet said...

Every time I see the commercial for the Mac Air, I start drooling on my G4.

wordtryst said...

Wow! And wow again! Congratulations all around!

ChristineEldin said...

LOL!!! That is the funniest computer-crash story I've every read!

Congratulations on your Orange Prize nomination! I went to the link in your last post, and am so glad this award is out there.

I want to check out the books that are listed. I've already read two high-quality books on the list: Lottery and The Gathering! :-) But will be rooting for yours all the way!!!

Roberta said...

We have to watch out for those surges. New Mac Book, way to go!

Val Cox said...

Oh, you are so clever, I love that letter. Congratulations on the nomination!

writtenwyrdd said...

computer aggravations are the worst! I'm glad your woes are over. But you use a Mac so perhaps you haven't had as many moments where you want to destroy something (namely the computer) in frustration.

writtenwyrdd said...

And congrats on the nomination and getting the book rights sold! cool stuff. And we knew you back when!

Julie Weathers said...


First off, congratulations on the success with Lottery. You must be on cloud nine or ten. Also congratulations on the film rights.

As for your letter to your computer, yeah, I feel your pain. Mine crashed with a 406-page novel and a corrupt back up diskette. Even so, I had to laugh at your letter. Good job on keeping a sense of humor about it all.

ORION said...

I will mention if any of you out there reading this think I may have lost your email address please PLEASE email me so I can put you back in my address book!

JKB said...

Congrats congrats!

I just finished Lottery, it was SUCH a great read. I'm adding your blog to my list, too!

It couldn't happen to a nicer book.

My Mac Gunther says Hallo to your new baby!

Ello said...

Congratulations! I feel so honored to have had an interview with you and now you are an Orange prize nominated book author. I feel Veklempt! Wow This is such awesome news and you totally deserve it!!!!!

Kanani said...

Well Pat,
The crash of the old Mac was a sign, you see.
Don't you think it's time you get back to your housewifey roots. Play with cats, knit little bonnets for them, maybe take some around to the poor?

(Actually, condolences on the loss. But good for you for not wasting time and buying a new one. Last year, it's what I did. I lost everything.... couldn't find the last 10 chapters of my novel until last month!)

Demon Hunter said...

That letter was too funny. I love your new Mac! :*)

ORION said...

My new mac is growing on if I could just stop blogging and get back to work.

Lisa R said...

You have the same Mac as me! I hate when they do that. The first thing I did when I got my new was go out and buy a back-up system! Ouch...I learned my lesson the hard way too. Congrats on the nomination.

Martha O'Connor said...

you are totally going to win!

Mary said...

I keep my dead Macs and iPods (including all packaging) –- a little design-museum, gathering dust. This is incredibly nerdy, but I love them so much… I just can’t let go!

Wising you and your new MacBook a happy and prosperous partnership!

Polly Kahl said...

Soon the old computer will be but a distant memory. Yes, the first one's always special, but as we mature we want more than just a pretty scren to look at. Plus that new one's way hot.

Maprilynne said...

*laugh* Love it!

And I have to admit, I am leaving my long-time Dell for a young hot Mac that looks remarkably similar to yours.;)

Nichola said...

Who's that last name on your list? Never heard of her!


I hope you and Mac will be very happy together. I'm seriously thinking of divorcing my PC and leaving him for a much older version - pen and paper.