PERRY APHORISMS

Putnam has made postcards. On one side they say:

"MEET PERRY L. CRANDALL. HIS IQ IS 76 BUT HE'S FULL OF WISDOM -- AND HE'S JUST WON THE LOTTERY.
SEE THE WORLD THROUGH PERRY'S EYES AUGUST 2.
LOTTERYTHEBOOKDOTCOM

And on the other?
This.

And this.


Ingram Advance is a catalogue that book sellers get. They featured me in New Voices in the August issue.


How cool is this?

So I would talk to you some more but I have to go to the laundry room.
And use it for its intended purpose.
Ah the life of a writer...

LOOK DEEP INTO MY EYES

I am reflected in Baby Horse's gaze and as he watches me, I see the world through his perspective. I become him. I see who he is.
How about you?
Do you see who I really am?

6 am and 79 degrees.
Check out SUSAN WIGGS' BLOG for some yummy recipes and an even yummier book coming out (DOCKSIDE)!
Interviews. Reviews. Features. Answering questions about why I write and why I wrote LOTTERY. I wake up to my hometown paper:
THE HONOLULU ADVERTISER



I am touched and gratified but is this the person I really am? What do I look like to the outside world. Will a reader want to know me. Read what I write? Do I seem normal or larger than life?
I read about this person and it feels surreal. Do I know her? She seems familiar.
Next week at this time I will be on my way to Portland.
Fame.
Right.
CONVERSATION I HAD LAST WEEK WITH UNNAMED OFFICIAL SEMI REPRESENTATIVE OF UNNAMED BIG CHAIN BOOKSTORE:
So I thought. Gee, I can call bookstores, introduce myself and maybe arrange to sign a few copies of stock. This is what other authors recommend as a good way to make connections.

ME:"My name is Patricia Wood and my book is coming out next week. LOTTERY, Maybe you've heard of it?
(I wait for an excited OMG! "I saw you on TV or in "Redbook" or in "Good Housekeeping" and am rehearsing my humble but grateful response)

UNNAMED OFFICIAL SEMI REPRESENTATIVE OF UNNAMED GIANT BIG CHAIN BOOKSTORE: "um uh you know we can't have you do that because on POD's we can't return signed copies."

ME:(only slightly deflated) oh, but my publisher is Putnam. LOTTERY released by Putnam?

UNNAMED OFFICIAL SEMI REPRESENTATIVE OF UNNAMED GIANT HUMONGOUS BIG CHAIN BOOKSTORE: (insert sigh and probable eye rolling but of course you can't see that through the phone - consider it physical head hopping) "Hmmm...they don't usually do POD. It doesn't sound familiar. What did you say your name was again? I don't think we're ordering your book..."

ME: (voice becomes squeaky)"but...but...but...I'm an author from Hawaii!"

UNNAMED OFFICIAL SEMI REPRESENTATIVE OF UNNAMED GIANT HUMONGOUS GARGANTUAN BIG CHAIN BOOKSTORE: "Now dear...we can't order EVERY book now can we?"

ME: (in very small voice) "ok then..." (hangs up phone and slinks away chastised)

So even though articles about me may be appearing in papers and magazines. I am still the same...taking out the garbage, sticking those yummy microwaveable meals into my oven and cleaning kitty litter off my floor.
Fame?
Yeah, right...

WHO COULD IT BE NOW?

What's this?

A package?
hmmm...
I wonder where it's from...

The tag says the UK.
Let's open it shall we?


OMG!
A trade paperback!

The export version of LOTTERY.
8:45 am and 80 degrees. I have been up since 4 am. I had an interview at 5 and will have another at 10.
And I just realized that LOTTERY will be released in exactly one week.
What am I doing?
Celebrity nights out?
Champagne breakfasts?
Luxurious Spa days?
Nope.
Googling myself...
Still just googling myself...

AUTHOR ASSUME THE POSITION

So how are radio interviews done? Well it takes a land line. Complete quiet. And a washer and dryer.

82 degrees and 9:23 pm.
Countdown to the interview.
I had my pen, my paper, my books.
I had my chair.
My phone.
My other phone.
And mary. Chief photographer and security detail.
At 3:30 pm the marina is usually sleepy and quiet. I depended on this fact. But...
NOT TODAY.
As soon as the radio personality (that's the new word for DJ's) called on my cell I yelled at Mary.
"Keep everybody out!" She tried. Oh how she tried.
People walked by with boom boxes. All the fishing boats in the front row revved their engines.
Every bird with in a three mile radius trilled and sang right outside the window
Mary had to take a quick break. While she was gone two of my marina friends walked in and started chatting. I waved my sign.
"QUIET! RADIO INTERVIEW GOING ON NOW!"
"Now?" they asked. "Cool are you on the radio live now?"
"Hey mom!" one waves. The other jabs them in the side. "It's radio. I don't think they can see you."
I talk to the radio personality while I frantically pantomime choking them both.
I mouth "BE QUIET!"
Mary runs in and yells, " SHHHHHHH!!!!
Thank goodness the wonderful world of radio allows some editing.
I have no idea what I said. I hope I was coherent.
Bloggers in Seattle? Listen to KRWM FM Sunday August 5.
Then let me know how I did.

NATIONAL APPRECIATE YOUR EDITOR DAY

The rocks and coral underwater support a massive invertebrate community. The substrate is splotched with brilliant color and it's hard to pick out any one creature.
How is this like a novel? You ask.
I will tell you.

12:11 am 82 degrees.
Last Friday I raved about my agent.
Today I'm going to rave about my editor.
It's no secret who an editor is for a particular book. It's listed in PM & PW deals and usually (if the author has manners) at the back of the book in the acknowledgement page.
My editor from Putnam happens to be Peternelle Van Arsdale. You are a fortunate writer if she loves your book and acquires it for Putnam. Very fortunate.
Having an editor who shares your vision is important but trusting that an editor will make suggestions that can make your book stronger is even more important. Periodically I read about authors ranting about how they're so invested in their work that each word is critical.
They say they don't need editing.
PHOOEY! I say. PISH TOSH! I cry.
EVERYBODY NEEDS EDITING. And lots of it. Think of it as a giant pill that has to be swallowed.
There!
Now don't you feel better?
Peternelle wrote me wonderful editorial letters with marvelous insights that made me sit back and reexamine my intensions as a writer and clarify my prose.
"Would Perry say that?"
"What is the point of this chapter?"
"Why does this character do this? Can they do that instead?"
After each pass, I could feel my novel become stronger and stronger.
She made it clear that it was my book, ultimately it was my decision, but also said that she found if a writer made at least 75% of suggested changes, it usually was sufficient. (I think I made all of them! In fact, I'm sure of it.)
And it made LOTTERY a much better book.
So, when you are polishing your novel for submission and you hear suggestions about changes, or cutting excessive length, or expanding characterization. Consider them. Get used to the fact that fresh outside eyes can enhance your work.
And realize, as in the coral reef, there's more to a book than meets the eye. It takes a myriad of people to bring a novel out into the world.
There is much of me in Lottery but there is much of Peternelle, too.
I said it in my acknowledgement page, and I'll say it again here.
In Perry speak
You are totally cool, Peternelle.
Totally cool.

A YEAR AGO TODAY...

THIS POST IS FOR DORIAN BECAUSE THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A DREAM AGENT.

July 20, 2006
5:00 am
My manuscript of LOTTERY was being read by three agents. I already had interest from editors who had seen LOTTERY on the Maui Manuscript Marketplace. My top pick, Dorian Karchmar from William Morris Agency, had called to ask for more time to read.
"Just one more week?" She asked.
She emphasized she wanted to hear about any offers from any of the other agents who were currently reading LOTTERY.

That was a week and a half ago.

My friend and author Holly Kennedy said the faster that agents got back to you the better news it was. This was not good. I was losing hope and was planning to get my second tier agent list out and rethink. My phone sat on the Nav station charging.

5:15 am

The phone rang.

Once.
My eyes flew open.
Twice.
I leaped out of bed.
Three times.
I ran down the hall.
Four times.
I hit answer but the call went straight to voice mail.
The area code was 212.
New York.
I listened to the message only long enough to hear, "I LOVE your book!"
I hit call.
5:20 am.
I have two cats retching hairballs between my feet.
My husband has an early meeting in the office.
I assure Dorian that I can talk while grabbing a paper towel and wiping cat vomit from the bottoms of my bare feet.
I try to be professional.
Like it wasn't the most important call of my life. Like it didn't make all my dreams come true. Like it didn't mean my time spent writing was not wasted.
It was as I always imagined.
It felt just as I knew it would.

When I hung up I had an agent and could say:
"My agent is Dorian Karchmar of the William Morris Agency."
And it felt good.
Real good.
And it feels just as good a year later.

LOTTERY IS STARTING ITS VOYAGE

MY FRIEND RICK IS SAILING HIS SAILBOAT WIND MAGIC ACROSS THE PACIFIC. As a going away present I gave him an autographed copy of LOTTERY.
It's appropriate don't you think? LOTTERY has characters who love boats and sailing. It also gives Rick's crew something to read on one of the longest passages you can make on a sailboat.

I helped them cast off lines and followed them around to the back of ORION taking pictures.

Less than two weeks before its release date LOTTERY is being shipped out by BARNES & NOBLE and is garnering reviews like this one M G Tarquini did on SPINE TINGLER . My novel and I are on a passage too, just like Rick and WIND MAGIC.

Off we go.

Out the mouth of the harbor. Not knowing what will happen.
"Sailing vessel Wind Magic requesting out bound clearance."

The voyage has begun. It could take three weeks, maybe four. The weather will be unpredictable. Gale force winds or utter calm.
And my friend Rick and I?
When will we meet up again?
Well.
We will meet on September 16 at my library reading.
Because you see, Rick is on his way to Everett.
Everett Marina.
Where LOTTERY takes place.
Appropriate don't you think?

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

Baby Horse has all four feet off the ground. Kind of like his owner. Counting down to the release date.

9 pm and 81 degrees.
I got REALLY GOOD NEWS...MIA KING will make her way from the Big Island to be at BestSellers at noon downtown Honolulu on the big day August 2. I am picking her up at the airport at 9 am and she promised to be my Number one super duper helper. She will be assisted by the Number one extra ordinary helper Mary who will then be assisted by the Number one very outstanding helper Lisa R.
FYI:THIS IS WHY THERE IS CAT HAIR ALL OVER MY BOOK SIGNING CLOTHES.

FUNNY STORY- or maybe a lame story depending on your attitude. So I get a call that I should prepare to do an on air interview for radio via phone.
The conversation went something like this:

Publicist:"This is a great! An interview for radio stations XYZ."

Me:"Oh goody!"

Publicist:"You have access to a land line don't you? Live Radio requires a land line."

Me:" Uh." (remember I live on a boat) "let me work on that."

I find out that many companies including my husband's do not have land lines.
I find out I do not know very many people who have ANY lines...
I call the harbor.

Me:"You guys have a land line?"

Harbor:"No but there's one in the laundry room. You can buy a cheap phone and plug it in. Only one problem."

Me:"What?"

Harbor:"We don't know the phone number there."

This is where I was inspired.



I called my cell phone from my new phone in the laundry room and presto! The number came up on my cell phone. My publicist was VERY HAPPY.
And Number one extra ordinary helper Mary? What will she be doing next Tuesday between 3 pm and 4 pm? She gets to guard the laundry room door and chase everyone away until my interview is over.

Radio Personality:"What's that noise? It sounds like a dryer."

Me:"What noise?"

TWENTY-NINE ENTRIES!!!DRUM ROLL!!!

730 PM AND 84 DEGREES.
I asked Manic Mom to remove 2 names from the hat. I expected maybe 15 entries. I had no idea that so many of you would want to enter my LOTTERY contest.
She let me hang out on the phone (ha ha) while she drew...and...the winners are...

JOSEPHINE DAMIAN!!!!!
AND
KISKADEE!!!!!

I sent emails off to the lucky winners and asked them to send addresses so they get their stuff PRONTO!!!

Well that was fun.
We will do THAT again!

So about 17 more days to go until my first signing at BestSellers in downtown Honolulu.
What would you do?
What would you do while you waited for the release date of your first book.
Tell me.
Please?

ALL THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH MY DEAR...

So what does this eel have to do with being an author? Read further and find out!

79 degrees and 9 am. To all of you who received my email and it was unwanted I apologize. I am ironing out the gliches to perfect my mailing list to easily let readers know where I will be and when. Heck...my husband asked to be on the list...
WHAT I AM DOING.
NOT ON THE LIST ANYMORE (complete!)
My readers group chat saturday morning on ichat (with video and everything) with
THE WRITERLY PAUSE group in California. Note: They ate in front of me the entire time.
SO RUDE!
But I did have a blast talking to them!
1. Changing over primarily to patricia@patriciawoodauthor.com
gmail is lovely but it limits what I can do. I'm not interested in doing the spam thing. I want people on my list that want to hear from me. Please if you haven't already - email me at patricia@patriciawoodauthor.com so you are in my address book. I don't want to lose anyone!
2. trying Trying TRYing TRYING to do another pass on manuscript number 2 -- (which is actually manuscript 4) I need to prepare for the Maui Writers Retreat and it is HARD!!!! Because I spend my time: (see number 3)
3. Coping with distractions:
emails from friends who saw me on TV
"Was that you?"
"Hey I saw you!"
"Send me a copy of your book!"
"I didn't know you wrote a book!"
emails from my editor, agent, publicist 1, publicist 2, publicist 3, assistant to publicist 1, assistant to publicist 2, assistant to publicist 3, assistant to my agent, assistant to my editor, marketing person 1,2,3&4, Feature editor to send a photographer out, Photographer to figure out where I am, Thing 1 and Thing 2...
Being photographed on my boat, holding my billowing skirt down to cover my ass, and smiling...smiling...smiling...
4. Helping manic mom's blog do the contest - it is her Kuleana (as we say in Hawaii) I just had to make sure she got the list for whose entered for the drawing.
5. Finalizing my new website PATRICIAWOODAUTHOR.COM and driving the webmasters CRAZY (Kaha and my husband) with my continual little changes!
6. Reading all the blogs but having NO TIME to comment on my favorites...
7. Googling LOTTERY PATRICIA WOOD.
8. My neighbor knocking on my hull ("Did you know your sump has been running for hours and no water has been coming out?") EEEEKKKKKK!!!!!
This all is only a tenth of my list FYI
So..
How are all these like a moray eels open mouth?
My time is eaten up eaten up eaten up...

HEAR YE HEAR YE ALL CONTESTANTS

GET THEE HENCE TO MANIC MOMS BLOG BY CLICKING THIS LINK :
CONTESTANTS
Check to see if you are listed. If you are not then follow the instructions posted there.
Drawing is on manic mom's blog Sunday.

HOLY REDBOOK BATMAN!!!!!!!!!

NEWS ALERT!!!!!!!
RIGHT UNDERNEATH MATT DAMON (I WON'T GO ANY FURTHER WITH THAT THOUGHT...)

PAGE 50 August Issue of Redbook!!!!!

Thanks to my faithful and vigilant blogger buddy.
MANIC MOM!
you are the UBER BLOGGER FAN!!!
And now.
Back to our regularly scheduled blogging...

DRAGONFLIES UBER ROCK

THE TRANSFORMATION IS COMPLETE MY NEW AND IMPROVED WEBSITE IS DONE.
Tell me what you think. There will be continual changes and updates.
I hope you like it!

FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME: THREE DOWN. TWELVE TO GO...

THEEEEYYYY'RRRRE HEEEEERRRRRE!

82 Degrees and 11 pm. I got a call from Channel 2 news. They'd like to do a feature on me.
Oh goody! I was all ready to go to a studio...not so fast...
When an author lives on a sailboat where do you suppose they want to do the interview?
You guessed it!
Aboard the boat!
The first thing I saw was the camera.
I started salivating. It was the largest camera I had ever seen.
I wanted it...

This is Ron Mizutani UBER JOURNALIST.
He was able to capture who I am as an author and what LOTTERY was all about.
How cool was that?
I tossed my head. Smiled. Fluttered my eyelashes. And when they left I collapsed from the strain of holding my stomach in for all that time.
It was exhausting.
I had to take a nap.
Then it was time to see me on TV. At this point I demonstrated by utter lack of sophistication.
I was lame.
How lame was I?

This lame.
I took a picture of me on TV.
Yes.
It's true.
On the classic scale of nerditity.
It is a ten.
Another day chock full of adventure and fun.
Speaking of fun... A READERS GROUP CONTEST that is being held by my publisher!
Check it out...

NOTHING OUT HERE BUT US EAGLE RAYS...

So how do you distract yourself when your book is coming out in three weeks?
You think about the ocean. That's what.

This eagle ray was skimming along the sandy bottom. He has a plan. A mission. Searching for edible crustaceans. Kind of like writers hunting for that perfect premise. That solid story.
Kind of like that.
Hungry.
Almost midnight and 83 degrees.
What am I doing up this late?
Writing of course. What else?
There are many important considerations when planning for a book release. First of all for the signing you have to get a really good pen. My trusty friend Holly Kennedy supplied just the perfect implement.

Do you know how hard it is to take a photo of yourself writing? I think this turned out quite well considering. This one has heft and a way cool feather on the end.

And lastly?
You have to collect fortunes.
Many.
Many.
Fortunes from fortune cookies.
I think that about does it.
Tomorrow I will talk about the details involved in planning and organizing book signings, book launch party and traveling to promote your book.
I would do it now but I am tired.
I have hand cramps from practicing my signature.

WHERE'S LOTTERY?

YOU'VE HEARD OF WHERE'S WALDO?
Well...
Today you are going to learn about release dates.
NOTE: More Reviews. Check them out.
EASY WRITER
RAY

6 am and 79 degrees.
It's not official yet but it's happening.
LOTTERY is on sale in bookstores.
A vigilant blogger and her handy dandy camera phone took this picture. At first I was perplexed. Is this OK? Will the publishing police come out of the woodwork and require the book store owner to do extra book reports?
(Wait. No. That was my sixth grade teacher.)
So I did what every self respecting author does.
I sent an SOS message to my editor.
"LOTTERY IS ON SALE!" I said. "WHAT GIVES?"
And this is what she said:

"There are different kinds of on-sale dates:

* There are embargoed books*Harry Potter being the most obvious example*and
no one is supposed to have a copy, or open a box, prior to the on-sale date.

* There are also what are called “strict” on-sales. This means that
bookstores are expected not to sell the book prior to the on-sale date.
Those “strict” on-sale dates are reserved for books where you know you have
to get maximum sales velocity in a single week in order to grab the highest
possible position on the NYT list. These strict on-sale dates are for books
where you’re aiming to hit one of the top 15 (or even 10) positions on the
list immediately upon publication (so, for instance, Nora Roberts and Khaled
Hosseini would have strict on-sale dates).

* For the vast majority of books, on-sale dates are not strict, and it’s
fully expected that many stores will have books on display in advance of the
on-sale date. This is actually a good thing, and can contribute to word of
mouth prior to the official on-sale date.

The reason that this staggered book availability occurs (and this is
industry-wide) is that the release date*the date at which books start
shipping from the warehouse---is usually about 6 weeks in advance of the
on-sale date. In that 6 week window, the books are loaded onto trucks, etc.,
and depending on how close a store is to a warehouse, some stores might get
their books weeks in advance of others. It’s pretty typical to see a book on
sale two weeks in advance of pub."

Well now I know. It's OK! It's good! It's GREAT!!!!!!!
So where is it on sale?
I will let you guess. Go down to your neighborhood bookstore and LOOK.
Just in case!
And while you are looking...ruminate on these.
A nice mention by LITERARY LOTUS.
TOP 50 BEST SELLING AUDIOBOOKS
and this:REVIEW.

WOULDN'T YOU? BARRACUDA.

"YOU'D HAVE ME DOWN ON MY KNEES...BARRACUDA..."
I have always been a fan of Heart.
NOTE: THE VERY FIRST SUPER DUPER LOTTERY CONTEST ON SIDEBAR. QUESTIONS ABOUT RULES? ASK THEM IN THE COMMENTS SECTION!

10 PM
83 degrees.
They come out of nowhere.
These thoughts.
Ideas.
What if?
And then POOF!
They're gone.
Writers second guess themselves all the time. It happens. I read author interviews. Features. It's there between the lines.
When you worry about what others think. Worry about being good enough you can be paralyzed.
I am reminded of songs.
Of aphorisms.
Jiminy Cricket.
The little engine that could.
The ant.
What animal do you become when you want to persevere. To outlast. To be strong?
And then it hits me. It occurs to me who the Barracuda really is.
Me.
I am the Barracuda.
I will survive.
AREN'T YOU TOO?
A BARRACUDA.

CHRISTMAS IN JULY

"Why Christmas?" you ask.

Because you get presents on Christmas.
Like these:

Penguin Group cup.
Penguin Tee shirt.
Penguin golf balls.
And.
More hardback books.
and my:

AUDIO CD NARRATED BY PAUL MICHAEL WHO DID DAVINCI CODE!!!!

I put it into my computer and hit play.
And Perry L. Crandall's voice came out exactly as I imagined it.
EXACTLY.
Tears running down my face. I played the first chapter and the last. It was PERFECT!
I am a Paul Michael fan.
Big time!!!!
So I recommend any and all Audio CDs that he does.
Especially mine.
LOTTERY.
One
more
month
to
go
before
Lottery
will
be
in
bookstores.
And now?
Contests.
I want contests...

MORE ON HOOKS...SYNOPSES...LOG LINES...PITCHES..."WHAT IS YOUR BOOK ABOUT" RESPONSES...

Do you give the ending away in your synopsis or don't you? That is the question.
My own personal-without-merit-opinion is no.
No.
NO!!!!!
But that is subjective.
I see this circular argument on ALL writing/querying message boards. BUT. BUT. BUT.
I hear you say. OK. I could be wrong. (but I don't think I am)
I wanted an agent to read my full manuscript when I was querying. I told enough to get them interested but not too much.
What do you think?
Oh.
By the way.
I felt so so so sorry for poor manic mom. She sounded so excited I put her out of her misery and....(drum roll) AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF THE REAL DEAL LOTTERY is on its way to her.
I emailed her back telling her this as she was SO dutiful to ask to be on my mailing list.
This was my top secret contest NOBODY knew about -- not even me at first.
MYA HA HA.....
Her responsibility is to give a play by play description of her waiting for LOTTERY...opening up the package...and her emotions as she reads...and then? A review.
GIVING NOTHING OF THE PLOT AWAY.
cuz yanno there ARE surprises...
So commenters I'm loving these contest suggestions...
Keep em coming.
AND?
Let's talk about these pesky synopsis/hooks.