WHY I WILL NEVER TWITTER AND OTHER UNINTERESTING FACTS ABOUT ME...

I have no self control.
I'm a writer. We tend to think that we can write anything. Anywhere. Anytime.
I've even had to cut back my blogging (and lots of you have noticed). It's just that I can either write many pointless but entertaining blogs or finish my novels.
But on to facts.
It's tempting to go off on tirades, but the thing is that boomerang often times comes back to bite you in the butt. I know. I have butt bruises.
So I'm going to make a pledge to work and play nice with others.
It's one of those things they taught you in kindergarten along with cover your mouth if you cough and don't take other people's things.
Anyway I'm open to other kindergarten aphorisms.

TODAY BEGINS THE COUNTDOWN: Hawaii writers retreat
47 days to go until I work with Jacquelyn Mitchard and Karin Slaughter with HOLLY!!!!!

What I have been doing:
I am putting together what I'm going to work on. I wavered back and forth and decided to bring something new (as opposed to something borrowed or blue).
I have two days to get 10 pages up to speed. I think on a retreat when you will be working with the same group for several days it's important to figure out what your goal is. What you want to get out of the process. So I opted to work on a novel in progress. (not the one my agent has) but one that I have about 34,000 words. Not even a first draft finished. I want to see if my MC has a distinctive authentic voice.
So I hear there is still room at the retreat and conference...
Check it out if you can.
I'm a genuine addict of the Hawaii writers conference and retreat.

LOOKING FOR THOSE JUST REWARDS

So I was walking down the dock minding my own business...wait that's a lie.


Writers NEVER mind their own business. So I was walking down the dock and saw a squid hanging out so I had to whip out my iPhone and take its photo.
But anyway back to my lying.
It was Sunday school. I think I was maybe four or five. I had an option. Keep the dime or put it in the collection plate. I swallowed it.
"Where did that dime go?" Mrs. McLaren asked.
"Um...I lost it." (Said with shifting eyes and finger in mouth)
I really can't remember anything else because I was upside down being shaken...suffice it to say my teacher got that dime out of me. I knew I had to perfect my fibs.
Fast forward fifty years.
Authors are full of it. Lying I mean. Well, exaggeration. Eavesdropping on conversations, meeting a person with a really cool name that you appropriate for your next book, imagining all sorts of dire possibilities when a friend is late for lunch.
I was speaking with a book club a few weeks ago and someone asked me what I thought the BEST quality a writer could have...and um...I told them.
Be a liar.
Be the best possible liar you can be.
And then lie some more.
All learned from Sunday school so long ago...

NOTE: Check out cool AUCTION HERE.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD AND OTHER LITERARY CONUNDRUMS...

This photo is courtesy of my friend Jenice.
If there is one truth I have learned over the past year it is this. Constant blogging and finishing a novel are not compatible.
There are other things that are not compatible with writing and completing projects. Shall we list them?
1. A pile of dirty clothes. They rumble, they hiss, they scream out to be washed. Unfortunately this is sex linked because it doesn't seem to affect male writers.
2. A sink full of dirty dishes. The sound made is bubbly-gurgley and persists until resolved. Unfortunately this too is sex-linked.
3. The "what's for dinner" phenomenon. You guessed it. Sex linked.

I tried to find SOMETHING that wasn't related to the male-female thing.
I think I found one:

4. The 'play with the cat' phenomenon. Yep. Cross-gender and highly addictive. Also an insidious time waster.
Closely related to 'feed the cat', 'brush the cat', pick up the cat' and wipe up the cat's hairballs'

My research in this matter has derailed yet another potential productive day of writing.

YOUR BAILOUT DOLLARS AT WORK...

Check out the bright lights in the middle.


Yes an un-named (because I don't want to be sued) recipient of bail-out funds is having a RETREAT here in Waikiki...
OVERHEARD as we walked by the live band and celebration.

"DON'T BE ASHAMED TO BE HERE! YOU DESERVE IT. YOU ARE THE CREAM OF THE CROP..."

My husband and I looked at each other and I was compelled to take a photo with my iphone.

Yes, it IS stranger than fiction.

There's a book in here somewhere...

A SEA OF JELLIES...AND THE TROPIC OF SCAMMERS...

The sea jellies are coming... the sea jellies are coming...
Thought you'd all like to see a jelly orgy.

Now I have to apologize. I discovered that I am a scammer. Yes it is true.
I am responsible for all those LOTTERY-SWEEPSTAKES-LUCKY WINNER notifications.

I just got this email.

Dear Ms. Wood,
I have received a notification that I have received a significant sum of money from something called the Patricia Wood Awards Sweepstakes. When I rang a phone number before I would give any personal details, I was told the sweepstake was attached to your name. I was told I had won 350,000 Euros. As you can appreciate, it sounds too good to be true.
Could you verify whether you have any knowledge of this sweepstake organisation in your name? It runs out of an office in Madrid, Spain.

Thanks for your time,
XXXXXXXXX

okay. It's time to come clean. My minions are collecting money from unsuspecting readers.
And you all thought I was just a novelist.
MWA HA HA...

I must go now.
I have a 140 million dollar inheritance that must be claimed in Nigeria.
Laters...

WHAT YOU FIND WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING...

I was grocery shopping when I saw this.
1. I had to laugh hysterically
2. I had to buy them
3. I had to laugh hysterically at the check out counter
4. I had to save the box and use it for a pencil holder

Over the years I have discovered something about myself. My sense of humor is often times not the same as other people's. Things that elicit side-splitting guffaws from me typically make other people roll their eyes or at the very most smile ever so slightly.
hmmm...
Tastes vary. Even the books I choose.
Like now.
I'm struggling through Proust in my "spare time" because one of my characters has to read it. I hate when characters make me do things like this. They never make me go to Paris or stay at a spa for a month or eat chocolate.
No.
They force me to read Proust.
The verbosity and attention to detail doesn't bother me. No sir. I look on the bright side. Proust at bedtime beats both sleeping pills AND warm milk.
I'm out like a light.
I'm in the middle of volume one and have six more to go.
Are all characters this mean to their creators?
Tooloose thinks so.
That's why he works with alien space monkeys in his novels.
They're very malleable.
So what do YOUR characters make you do?

PUT ME AWAY. ANYWHERE.

This is Pupukea.
This will be my tower without a ladder.


A cabin in the woods.
No internet.
No distractions.
Just electricity for my kindle and my computer.

It takes a lot to create a first draft of a novel. No cats needing to be fed. No dinners to fix. No phone calls or long internet ramblings.
Mostly it takes being undisturbed.
When my story is new and unformed I have to immerse myself in it and let it take me where it goes. My first drafts are really quite horrible. They are a large amorphous outline that I'm able to revise and expand. That revision and expansion I can do bit by bit and deal with interruptions but the first draft?
Nope.
I gotta be alone (as Garbo said).
So I'm doing an experiment thanks to my friend Nodie. I'm being isolated intentionally. I will blog about it when I'm done.
Any cheering and suggestions will be gratefully accepted.
As for now?
Hasta la VEEESTA baaaybee!

LANTERN FLOATING FESTIVAL

The canoes wait for sunset and Shomyo. The sails on the horizon are those of the Hawaiian voyaging canoe Hokulea.

MEMORIAL DAY

Each year thousands of lit lanterns are laid on the ocean in memory of those who are no longer with us.
They will be carried out to sea...

YOU SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YA...

The birthday surprise:
Be on the beach at 2pm in my bathing suit...Where the most excellent surfing instructor JD taught me how to paddle board.
First step be able to carry the board - pass.
Then be able to kneel and get up and down.
NOTE: It helps if you can hold your breath when you fall off the board so you don't get water up your nose. Just a thought...Practice. Practice. Practice...and then...
You have to stand up and BELIEVE me when I say it isn't as easy as it looks...The water was surgy, the wind was picking up, there were lots of swimmers to avoid...and one nanosecond later I plunged into the water ass first. But then I tried again.
And it got easier...
At the end of the day it was apparent that paddle boarding was a lot like writing a novel...

It looks REALLY easy when other people do it well.
Before you get good you have to fall on your ass a bunch of times.
It's easy to criticize how other people do it with out doing it yourself.
It takes practice.
More practice.
And even more practice.
You can't worry what you look like.
And it's way fun.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEE....

I'm working on my second 29th birthday...



This photo reveals much of what I became.
Wearing slippers on horseback.

I'm told I must be on the beach in my bathing suit at 2 pm sharp for a surprise...
I will let you know what happens if I survive lol!

TOOJOURS SAD RE MISS SNARK

MAY 20, 2007

TWO YEARS AND COUNTING...

SO SAD TODAY...

IS THAT A DRAGON IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME...

Here, there be dragons...there, there be dragons...everywhere, there be dragons...

As a writer it's easy to see dragons behind every door.
Editing...
Revising...
Figuring out if I can use the same coffee and filter and just run the water through again...
You know.
Important stuff.

I thought I'd make a list.

THINGS CHARACTERS DO THAT I WOULD NEVER THINK OF DOING

1. Stop at each mirror admiring my tawny legs and my honey golden hair.

2. Go down to the basement when I hear a strange sound when there are Zombies on the loose.

3.Drive on a deserted highway with an eighth of a tank of gas, pick up a hitchhiker, examine a dead body in the road, or get out of my car for any reason other than I've gotten to where I'm going.

Can you think of others????

MAKING GROWN MEN CRY AND OTHER WORTHWHILE ACOMPLISHMENTS...

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE LETTING YOUR REVISED MANUSCRIPT SIT...


And you answer emails and apologize for making readers cry.
It occurred to me that I may be misunderstanding.
They may not be crying because my words resonated with them.
They may be crying for other reasons...

Dear Ms. Wood,
Your book was okay. I really cried while I read it because my cat died the day before.
I loved that cat...

Dear Ms. Wood,
Your book was not all that great but I found myself crying because I had just peeled 32 onions...

Dear Ms. Wood,
Your book was adequate but I just had to tell you I cried all the way through because of your use of language. It's so sad to see split infinitives. They're so lonely...

Dear Ms. Wood,
I was going to tell you I liked your book because I cried while I was reading It but then I realized I hadn't stopped crying after reading The Art of Racing in the Rain. It wasn't your book at all...

It could be worse.
I could be getting letters from TOOLOOSE.

DER MZ WOD,

I CRID BECUZ THER WAZ NO CAT FUD.
I DID NUT RED YOR BOOK.
YR CAT,
TOOLOOSE

P S ( IF YOU FEED ME I WIL RED IT MAYBEE...)

WHAT I DID ON MY WEEKEND VACAY...

CAN YOU FIND...

The mama and baby monk seal in the rocks on this beach?

I got to play with other authors on the island of Kauai. We were all invited to speak at a literary festival called Celebrate Reading this past weekend.
It was quite thrilling. Christopher Moore talked about his book FOOL. Markus Zusak discussed THE BOOK THIEF. I talked about LOTTERY. My friend Kaui Hart Hemmings talked about her book THE DESCENDANTS. Kiana Davenport talked about THE HOUSE OF MANY GODS. Witi Ihimaera talked about WHALE RIDER.Plus Kealoha did his nationally recognized slam poetry.
It was great fun to chat in our "green room" and compare horrible reviews, emails from readers who tell us all the mistakes in our books and each time someone comes up to us and says, "And you are WHO??? Have I ever heard of you? Have I read your book???"

Unfortunately Chris sneaked away before we could snap the photo but I can photo shop him in later...
After we were done for the day everyone else went back to Oahu and I got to do a gig with Kealoha at a coffee shop later for the Kauai Backstory Writers Group. It was great fun...And a COFFEE SHOP? Well I was in caffeine heaven.
Anyway...
The point of this post is that just talking to readers and other authors for two days got me so charged up that I was anxious to get back to work.
I hadn't realized how drained I was working on my current project.
It felt so good I'm going to ask you all for "recharge" suggestions.

THERE IS NOTHING IN LIFE THAT CANNOT BE FIXED BY WEARING A TIARA...

I wasn't a cheerleader. I wasn't homecoming queen or even runner up. When I went to proms we were protesting the war in Vietnam and frilly dresses and tiaras were oh so out.
Long hair and unshaved airpits were in.
Suffice it to say I never had an opportunity to wear a tiara.

But I wanted one.
Oh how I wanted one. I walked by shops and they would call to me.
"Hey you! Yeah. You loser. You never were crowned Miss Pea Patch 1967. Or San Juan County Fair Queen."
My deepest darkest desire. Not the winning of the crown.
The wearing of it.
Flash forward fift...er just flash forward.
So I walk by this shop and I see the tiaras in the window.
What was I waiting for? Permission?
I bought one. I didn't even lie and say it was for my daughter. No sir. I said it was for me.
Tiaras are interesting. You don't squash them onto your head like a headband. They are pinned. I had to go to Longs Drugstore for bobbypins.
I have my tiara. My life is complete. And I got to thinking...
How many times in your life do you not get want you want because you don't give yourself permission to go for it?
Let's each find our own unique tiara.
And I give you all permission to go out and get it.
Today.
And let me know what it is.
On your mark.
Get set.
TIARA.

A JEN-YOU-WHINE TIKI BAR

So where's a Tiki Bar when you need one?
The answer?
Here in Hawaii...I could just imagine the end-of-the-line "gumshoe' sitting there nursing his bloody mary at 11 am.
Heck.
I wanted to write about him.
Just the atmosphere made me want to sit down and type out a few thousand words of pulp fiction.
Reminded me of Firesign Theater...
"There she was...at the top of the stairs...all those curves under that flimsy burnoose..."

I guess ya had to be there.
Inspiration strikes again.

oh and Tooloose is now working on a alien space monkey detective story set in New Orleans.
"But you've never been to New Orleans!" I told him.
And he replied that he'd never been to the planet Goroptia either but he's writing about that...


FYI:
I did an academic piece in this journal.: REVIEW OF DISABILITY STUDIES
About a GREAT book by Andrew Beierle called FIRST PERSON PLURAL

DINGHYS GONE WILD...OR BLAME IT ON THE GAS FILTER...

It was supposed to have been a leisurely motor around the harbor. Maybe swing by the fuel dock for an ice cream. Poke our noses out and watch the surfers at Inbetweens and Kaisers and check out the fishermen throwing their lines off Ala Moana.
Aw heck lets go a little further.
Oops it's rolling swells.
I'm getting wet.
Lets turn around.
Clunk.
Sudden silence where there should have been a gently humming outboard engine.

Me: "Honey is there something wrong with the engine?"

Him: (growling) "No."

Me: "Are you sure sweetie?"

Him: (growling louder while pulling the ropey starter thingy) YES I'M SURE!!!"

Me: "Should we ask those nice men laughing on the shore to help us?"

Him: "NO!!!"
Let's just say we were lucky to have a pair of oars.
Rowing hard against the wind and current. The threat of the rocky breakwater. Blisters forming on tender fingers that should have been typing away on a keyboard...all this and more.
But I have to admit it was fun imagining the headlines.

"Author lost at sea. Husband says 'she was right there and then I turned around and she was gone.'"

Look at the bright side. Signed works always rise in value on ebay after the artist dies mysteriously.

A PARANOTTER BY ANY OTHER NAME IS STILL A BRAZIL NUT...OR FUN WITH BABELFISH

BEGINNING OF THE RAINBOW


MIDDLE OF THE RAINBOW


END OF THE RAINBOW




NEWS FLASH: IT'S BEEN CONFIRMED. THE END OF THE RAINBOW IS IN WAIKIKI...

So every time I think I too much to do and lots of revisioning work I either play computer Mah jong or I get a foreign review that's been well... er... uh...translated?
Here is a portion of the selected review for your reading pleasure:


"Which brings us to the most new book turning right and left gaming, Lottery by Patricia Wood.If you haven’t heard well-nigh this still, you will.And later, suppose that you’re staminate, you’ll exist dragged into perception the movie.
Wood is unfeigned whenever she writes around how she knows: the mentally disabled, sailboats and engaging a state lottery (her engender won one).
She writes likely the beginning contriver (she expressions of gratitude the Maui Writers Retreat) she is well-nigh everything other.
Wood does a good job of giving spoken sound to Perry L.
Crandall, I.Q. of 76."

Okay...Now...

If I'm REALLY lucky I get to work with my foreign translators who ask me what is "hair of the dog that bit you" and "don't get your girdle in a knot." or "education schmeducation."
Hey! I hear you laughing!
I challenge you to translate. It's like a puzzle and totally fun. It can distract me ALL DAY...
and then I go back to playing solitaire...er I go back to editing...

So here's the game.
I'm going to give you phrases that my various translators have asked me about and give you a chance to interpret so the translator can understand... There just MIGHT be a prize involved.
The one who makes coffee shoot out my nose is the winner...

PHRASE #1
"Coffee shoot out my nose..."

Phrase #2
"Don't get your girdle in a knot."

Phrase #3
"From Hell to breakfast."

Phrase #4
"Working under the table."

Okay. Ready. Set. Man your thesaurus.
Go.

THE VIEW FROM HERE...

A very fun review and interview...This literary magazine has received well deserved awards.

DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE...

So I wasn't really looking for inspiration when I watched the Honolulu Festival Parade. I was taking a break from my next big revision...and...voila!!!

A real honest to goodness fire breathing dragon.
Everybody's got them.
It occurred to me that revision is like fighting the dragon. You have to kill it to go any further. It's scary. It's hard. Dragons can be tricky and mean.
When you succeed however you feel on top of the world.
And then?
Well there's always the next task in any good fantasy.
And in the parade I found mine:
The giant lighted beating drum...


Who knew?
So what's your big bug a boo?
Tooloose says his is "findin tha Kiddee fud bol emtee."

IT'S A BIRD...IT'S A PLANE...IT'S A FLYING GUNARD...

Your marine science minute...

Sometimes just walking down the dock you see very unusual things. Unexpected things.
I stood there watching the fish hunt while I took photos with my iPhone -- I collected quite a crowd.
"Hey it's walking around."
"Are those legs?"
No, I told them. They're modified pectoral fins.
Once a science teacher always a science teacher. They're lucky I didn't assign them two chapters to read and an essay to write.
I forget how cool it is to hang out in a harbor and what good fun it is to be a writer.
Those people didn't know it but they became characters in a scene I wrote later that day.
Coming into contact with an author can be hazardous to your privacy.
Be afraid.
Be VERY afraid.

CHARACTERS WITH POTTY MOUTHS...WHAT'S AN AUTHOR TO DO?

(Photo courtesy of Peg-the-librarian-on-vacation)

I've had a few letters from readers and an occassional comment from a "book clubber" about why some of my characters "talk dirty." They ask why I did that.
I'm here to tell you it was totally out of my control.
There I've let the secret out: Authors have absolutely NO CONTROL OVER THE WAY THEIR CHARACTERS TALK.
The more I tried to edit those naughty bits the more they'd sneak them in and do you know how hard it is to wash an imaginary person's mouth out with soap? It's not a pretty sight.
In LOTTERY both Keith and Gram made me blush. After a while I came to see that they weren't me and weren't even a reflection of me- It was important for them to be salty for contrast and so they were more authentic- Have you ever met a Vietnam vet who DIDN'T use the F-word?
So I heaved a big sigh and allowed them free rein.
The characters in my new project are very circumspect and control their utterances remarkably well.
But I know some form of embarrassment is lurking...
Tooloose on the other hand has been inspired by this whole thing and has a new WIP ready to go. It's called THE BOOK OF NAUGHTY WORDS.
Of course it's totally from a cat's point of view and contains the words DIET, BATH, and VET.
How about you?
DO naughty words turn you off or turn you on????

I'VE GONE TO THE DARK SIDE...

Kindle2 -- this puppy is all it's cracked up to be...


I know...I know...I hear you all throwing rotten tomatoes at me. I'm ducking. But before you start lobbing the eggs consider this: I WORK ON A BOAT!!!!!!!I want novels the INSTANT they come out and I HAVE NO ROOM AT THE INN FOR ONE MORE BOOK.
Okay my rant is done.
1500 books. I can put my manuscripts on it (I just did last night)This will save me printing out copies for my husband to read. I used its free wireless connection and shopped until I dropped and essentially paid used book prices...and I bought books that I already had a hard copy of cuz it's easier-
But it doesn't mean I wont buy hard covers-
For example -- I want to read Christopher Moore's new book FOOL now, and since we will both be speaking at a literature festival together on Kauai in April -- I will buy ANOTHER book for him to sign. I love signed books...
Even at that I will have far less books total.
But Tooloose is NOT happy. The Kindle2 is very skinny so it's not comfortable to lie on AND being smaller it's much harder to aim that strategic hairball placement that he does to things that are precious to me.
The Kindle enhances my reading but does not replace it- the cool feature is it can 'read' to me- now it's not as wonderful as the actors on the audios so it wont compete - but it's a great added feature-
And? for those times my eyes are tired I can increase the font size- I found the page turning and the reading instantly easy-

So what I'm doing today? I'm going to the beach to see if I CAN read it perfectly fine in bright sunlight...
But so far?
I love Love LOVE my kindle2.
Now lets discuss. (I feel like Churchlady) Do you think the kindle is evil? Do you think ebooks are the spawn of Satan? And do you eat the middle out of the Oreo cookie before eating the two ends?

DUP DUP DUP DA DUP DUP OUT MY BACK PORCH...

Orion is in the thick of things now. From country ketch to city slicker.
Change is good. I'm inspired by change. I walked along the beach behind some tourists arguing about what to do next.
"This is our VACATION dammit! Enjoy yourself!"
"Hey don't blame me! I wanted to go to Vegas. You were the one who thought gambling was legal here. Remember?"
I wandered over to the Harbor eatery and overheard a couple of sailors moan about loosing a race due to pre-race celebrations and the alcohol consumed the night before because it COULDN'T be the women who beat them were better sailors. Nope. Never happen.
I trundled across the parking lot and watched a couple kids fishing for tilapia and catching an old net and getting REALLY excited about that. I thought to myself that's how I need to be. Happy no matter what.
So what am I doing now?
Cleaning out my refrigerator cuz all my soda got shaken up on the sail and exploded...
Ya had to be there...

Oh and THIS JUST IN an INTERVIEW WITH TOOLOOSE (I wondered what he was doing on my iPhone the other day...

EVERYBODY'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG...

On the top of a mountain somewhere in Hawaii...

A warm barn, an indoor arena, a grassy field and pasture? What more could two horses want?
So now the horses are happy in their new digs and Tooloose was jealous. Nothing would do but that he and girl kitty got into the act...brand new kitty carriers...



But now he's in the dog house - or rather cat house -
Last night I left the companionway open for a little air, turned my back and ?
No Tooloose.
I looked all over.
I finally found him strolling the dock and having a beer with friends.
"Where have you been?" I yelled. "It's late!"
"Oops!" he meowed. "Didn't mean to get caught caterwauling."

He ran around the deck twice trying to avoid me then ran between my legs back into the boat.
Bad kitty.
BAD KITTY.
He told me later he was just doing research for this new idea for a book he has. I told him to finish his first one but he says this new one's a high concept thriller.
He's calling it "Cat Out of the Bag." It'll be a series.
"Cat Nipped"
"Cat Napped"
"Cats Gone Wild"

I cat wait...

CHANGE IS GOOD...

ORION'S new slip is ready for her.


So what's involved when you want to move a 48 foot sailboat?

First you measure the actual length from "bowsprit to bumpkin." NOTE: A 48 foot sailboat is not 48 feet... she is more like 56 feet... kind of like when you answer that pesky little question about weight on your drivers license. IDEAL versus REAL.

Next you make sure the engine is good to go -- it's a long trip 5 to 8 hours and mostly beating (straight into the wind) - so you change the fuel filters, find a crack in the fuel line, get air into the engine and in the process and discover an acutely necessary $7 fitting that is no where to be had in the entire Hawaiian islands. This also involves much hand wringing (by the wife/first mate) and the discovery of the first corollary of sailing.
"WHEN THE ENGINE IS NON-FUNCTIONAL OR THE SAILS IN DISREPAIR THE WEATHER WILL BE PRISTINE FOR YOUR JOURNEY"

So then day after day passes...you are SO close. You get the fuel line repaired. The fitting arrives overnight four days later...oops...you need THIS fitting as well that is ordinarily found at Home Depot but...GUESS WHAT? Not today!
Suffice it to say much more drama and handwringing ensues...AND THEN?
The engine starts and purrs like the proverbial well fed feline. The sail covers are off. The boat ready to go and?
The discovery of the SECOND corollary of sailing...
"WHEN THE BOAT IS IN TIP TOP SHAPE AND READY TO GO THE WEATHER WILL SUCK BIG TIME."

And so ORION waits to shove off.
Stay tuned.

NOTE: For your information BETA READER BOB doubles as HANDY DANDY WEATHER ADVISOR AND DELIVERY CREW. Tooloose has opted out of the trip. He's miffed because HE wanted to be captain. He said it was his turn and Gordon was being selfish. Instead he's driving one of the cars to Waikiki and doing research on where exactly IS the best place for Mai tai's...

TAKEN BY MY iPHONE...

This was taken the morning of the tornado...I am NOT kidding...there was a tornado in Hawaii at 1 pm Wednesday and it was VERY CLOSE to me... it picked a golf cart up -although that could just have been the golfer's really good excuse for a Mulligan...I don't know.
Anyway I happened to be writing in my cockpit at the time so I missed it.
That's the lesson for today.
You can be busily writing while wonderful things are happening all around you-- that's not to say that a tornado is particularly a wonderful thing but it would have been cool to check it out -- instead I was "defragmenting" my manuscript.
Schucks...
I hope someone comes to get me when there's a Hurricane.
I'd really hate to miss that.

FIGHT YOUR INNER TROLL...

Take careful note... we each have one of these TROLLS deep inside us...

So I guess everyone has heard Stephen King's rant about authors he thinks are crappy writers.
I would like to respectfully disagree with Stephen. During the Honolulu Book festival I was on a panel that discussed what was "bad" literature and what was "good" literature and I suppose I'll now be black listed from further panels as I said there was no such thing as "bad" literature...Let me explain. There are so many tastes and levels of reading ability that there is something for everyone -- And I don't think there's some perfect arbiter that I'm willing to let decide for me what's good writing and what's bad writing. Now I know what I LIKE...interestingly enough it's rarely what my sister likes...now my husband and I have similar tastes but Tooloose is constantly buying alien space monkey science fiction magical realism love stories that I simply can't get into...I think you get my drift.
So I don't think it's right that an author says another author is a crappy writer in an interview...I think it's a really mean thing to do. It's HARD to write a book. I refuse to diss someone publicly. It's not right...
But if we see each other at a bar and you buy me a a couple of black Russians and a few Singapore Slings...well then...all bets are off.

HEY! WHO'S STEERING THE BOAT?

Today's subject?
Annoying writer habits – Those irritating idiosyncrasies that are immediately recognizable in OTHER writers.
My resource for this blog post is Tooloose the soon-to-be-famous aspiring writer.
Notice I’ve said “aspiring writer”. Tooloose has not actually successfully WRITTEN anything (that pesky absence of the opposable thumb). He is an “aspiring” writer, which is the level just under the “aspiring” author.
TOOLOOSE'S LIST OF BAD HABITS

1. Discussing writing, debating literary strategies, outlining the premise of the sure to be BIG BOOK but never actually putting anything down on paper. For example: Tooloose’s opus KILLER ALIEN SPACE MONKEYS DON’T GIVE WATER TO ELEPHANTS. You notice that Tooloose has incorporated the first rule of writerly wisdom making his title similar to a successful best selling novel. He has also changed his pen name to Tooloose Gruen: Sara’s furry sibling. He is working on getting a blurb from her. I suggested he might want to write the book, first but he is adamant on his networking strategy.

2. Talking about oneself in third person. Writers enjoy practicing point of view and implementing these techniques in their daily life. Notable examples include answering machine messages:
“Tooloose is unable to come to the phone as he is debating using second person plural for his monkey POV being inspired by Joshua Ferris and all. But when he has finished his reverie he will be sure to return your call.”
Of course this applies not just to writers but other artists as well.
“Van Gogh is indisposed at the moment hunting for his missing ear but as soon as he finds it he will call you right back…”

3. Writers take secret notes of what their friends say in conversation with the excuse that it would be great dialogue for a particular scene. Not only that they use their friends' personalities for characters and even their friends' or relatives' names with no compensation. Such a rip off. I notice Tooloose’s MC is named “Rub Elm” . He can’t fool me. I know what he’s doing…


Blogging Buddies I’m sure you all have even better examples of WV (Writer’s Vices). You are welcome to make your own contributions in the comments section…
Oops…I just noticed Tooloose just added a fourth one --
“Arogant an Pushee auters wo tink ther beg stuf and wo don pud enuf cat fud in bol and starv ther pur cats…”

YA KINDA SORTA HAD TO BE THERE...

What you find when you look...

The year was um er 1959? 1960?
I do know it was Mr. Hanson the fireman and it was a HUGE deal to have a tour of the fire station.
I remember I was acutely disappointed there was no dog. Nada. None. And I wanted to ride in the fire truck. I felt sure that would be part of the deal.
But we did get graham crackers and some sort of juice.
And we did get the picture. I have moved from place to place but this is a memento I've never lost.
So the contest is on.
Which one is me?
On your mark.
Get set.
GO!!!