ONLY IN HAWAII...OR GO HALF WAY UP CALIFORNIA AND TURN LEFT

This request came from Kimber An
"More pictures of Hawaii"

"Hawaii is a unique state.
It is a small state.
It is a state that is by itself.
It is different than the other 49 states.
Well, all states are different, but its got a particularly unique situation."
This was said by former US VP Dan Quale.

Yeah. Well. An exotic location like Hawaii can add cache to an author, but poses unique challenges. Like the long swim to California. And the fact that my arches are flat from only wearing flip flops.
Sure, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking all I do is loll in the sun, swim, and drink maitais all day.
First of all you're forgetting I have to snorkel and go to luaus too. And my drink of choice is a pina colada or anything with rum.
But outside of that there is something a bit isolating about never having winter. About hearing all the fun you all are having with sleet and snow and wind chill factors.
I feel positively left out.
So it's 11 pm and 74 degrees outside.
Do you know where your muse is?

THE LIAR'S DIARY BY PATRY FRANCIS

There are times the community of authors becomes very tight indeed.
Hang in there Patry.
Our thoughts are with you.
And for my blogging buddies? Here's a great book.

THE LIARS DIARY

ITS ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEE

NOTE: THIS IS NOT A PHOTO OF ME.
Some blog readers appear to be disillusioned.
Lit agent blogs are full of commenters with complaints about us debut authors.
I paraphrase here:
New authors are selfish.
They are too self-absorbed. Blog readers don't want to hear pearls of wisdom about writing. They're sick and tired of hearing every single teeny tiny detail about the publishing process.
They positively HATE debut authors who set themselves up as gurus as if they (and they alone) know the secret to getting requests for fulls and partials.
And that neener neener neener attitude?
It sucks, thank you very much.
So there.
Okay.
Fine.
We aren't going to talk about me on this blog post.
We aren't going to talk about what I'm doing or about Baby Horse or giving Paul Theroux riding lessons.
We're not even going to talk about Touloose. Or the fact that I just got SIX copies of my Dutch edition. Or the fact that I'm doing my taxes.
Or that my UK edition made the Tesco chart and I got a perfectly wonderful email from Tess Gerritsen about seeing piles of LOTTERY at the book stores in England and Scotland.
We aren't going to talk about that.
We aren't going to talk about what my next novel is about and how part of my research was learning archery with a toy bow and arrow and it ended up being a total waste of time as I ended up throwing that part of the book out and re writing it.
We aren't going to talk about that.
We aren't going to discuss how too many writers use "as" clauses and "tell not show."
We aren't going to talk about meeting really-cool librarians from Wisconsin who go to Hawaii on vacation and meet debut authors.
And how much fun book clubs are. We DEFINITLY are not going to talk about bookclubs from New Jersey or Maryland or Florida or Ohio or California or New York or Colorado or Hawaii or Maine or...
We aren't going to talk about that.
NOT AT ALL.
Not one bit.
Okay.
I feel much better now demonstrating that I can go for one entire blog post not talking about myself.
Don't you?
So how about it?
What do you want me to not talk about?

AND HERE'S A HINT...ONE TO COMPARE

NO THIS IS NOT ORION...IT'S A NEIGHBOR'S SLOOP.
See what you can come up with...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE

OR: Write what you know...

74 degrees 8:18 pm
So we found this picture in an ad for charts in a boating magazine. The title of the ad was: THINK YOU DON'T NEED ACCURATE CHARTS? JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR ELECTRONICS FAIL.
And Gordon said you'd have bigger problems than charts, if you were sailing this boat.
Looks ok?
Well maybe research really does work the same as knowing exactly how something works in fiction.
But?
Writers have to be really really careful.
So why does this ad make me think that the advertiser knows nothing about sailing.
Supply your conjectures.
Hint.
There's more than one reason...
Now I'm not saying a writer actually has to fly a plane. Go up in space. Fight an alien. Ride a horse or sail a boat to write about them.
A writer just has to have a great imagination and preselect their beta readers who have expertise.
But when readers like me read a book and it's about scuba diving and the author doesn't mention the bubbles stream upward to the surface- in fact they describe glistening orbs gently following the diver underwater. Or maybe their book is about a medical laboratory in a hospital and they have their lab techs work directly with blood, without gloves and face shields or maybe they are writing about an architect and have him design a multimillion dollar building on a napkin in a restaurant instead of using CAD.
Whatever the mistake I believe readers will search it out and find it.
It's not that a writer has to have direct experience it's just that we have to fool the reader so they think we do.
So.
What's wrong with this picture?

FEATHER DUSTER WORMS NO KA OI

He's shy. He's oh so shy.

8:30 pm The air conditioner is on. 73 degrees.
The author is slightly indisposed. Or sea sick. You choose.
I've been doing some reading. Some writing. Being analytical about my novels. Excited to talk to Book Clubs.
Getting distracted. Ah yes. The distractions.
A Day in the Life
The Attention Deficit Author.
5:30 am
Lie to husband that I'm getting up.
5:35 am
Get up because Cat hurled on bed.
6:00 am
Make coffee
6:30 am
Put water in coffee pot
7:00
Start writing
7:05
Answer email.
7:10
Write
7:12
Answer email.
7: 23
Write.
7:25
Answer email
7:30
GOOGLE ALERT
8:00
unplug router
8:20
Break into cold sweat.
8:30
Plug router back in.
8:35
Unplug router.
9:00
Write.
Noon
Realize that I have written for three hours without interruptions and do happy dance around computer.
12:01
Cat walks on keyboard deleting aforementioned accomplishment.
12:02
Plug router back in.
12:03
GOOGLE ALERT.
12:05
Write.
12:10
Surf net looking for scientific name of Kangaroos.
1:50
Now looking for vacation destinations in Australia.
2:10
Take survey whether obsessive compulsive.
3:20
Still taking survey.
4:24
Husband calls
4:26
Unplug router.
4:30
Write
4:45
Husband comes home.
Author assures husband that she had productive day and asks where he wants to take said author to dinner...

GETTING FROM THE BEGINNING TO THE END OR HOW TO WRITE A NOVEL IN THREE EASY STEPS

NUMBER ONE:
FIND YOUR PREMISE

Here I am in the Pacific Ocean, which everyone knows contains more than its share of premises, ideas, and first sentences (and quite a few last sentences, too). It is rumored that this is where "My name is Ishmael" came from.
11 pm and 74 degrees.
Always helpful.
That's me. Not only do I provide instructions on the care and feeding of editors' Mothers, I also give valuable nuggets and novel writing tips. Just what the aspiring writer needs, to finish that sure to be best seller.
After selecting your premise you then have to (and here we have the next point)
NUMBER TWO
Write it until it is done.
This can be readily accomplished by putting a thousand monkeys in a room and letting them type away for eons. You can speed the process if you give them paper and occasionally bananas...

And finally: NUMBER THREE
editing and revisioning

It can be difficult to visualize this process. Here is an example of a novel with a great beginning and end but that has flaws in the middle. A writer must address this floppy structure or...um...their horses can escape.
Well I hope this helps.
I for one plan to follow this advice myself. In fact I will be back out in the ocean premise hunting tomorrow.
So I have a question.
Where do you land lubbers get your ideas?
Inquiring minds want to know...

UNREALISTIC PLOT LINES OR HOW TO KIDNAP AND HOLD YOUR EDITOR'S MOTHER HOSTAGE

I had such fun last week. I was a designated authorial tour guide.

DEAR EDITOR,
I HAVE YOUR MOTHER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAGOON...
10 pm and 72 degrees. Looks like we have to pull out the winter blankets tonight.
My editor who UBER ROCKS has a mother who also UBER ROCKS.
I got to steal her away from her hotel and take her on a whirlwind tour of the island. I even put her on top of the world famous wonder horse Airborne. We snorkeled, watched waves, drove around the island and ate some excellent lunches.
I was tempted to keep her but was persuaded to send her back. I think all authors should meet their editor's mothers.
What does this have to do with writing?
Well.
Many times on writers' blogs and message boards there is this negativity about publishing professionals. Writers talk about agents who won't give them a chance and editors who take pleasure in rejecting writers.
I'd like to present another side.
Agents who love the written word and who fall in love with the premises and voices of their clients. Who go to bat for them and watch out for them.
And the editors who become friends with their authors. Who have made their books better and who take pleasure in the fact that they have given readers something special.
They have families. They have mothers. They are real people.
They are not out to get writers.
They are out to find them.
So Mahalo (thank you) and Aloha
to:
Peternelle Van Arsdale of Putnam (US hardback)
Jackie Cantor of Berkely (US trade paperback)
and
Jason Arthur of William Heinemann (UK)
YOU all more than UBER ROCK
Oh.
Check out the book in POSITION NUMBER TEN ON THE TESCO HARDBACK CHART

GOT FINS?

ANATOMY of a NOVEL

Distractions:
A day in the life.
6:30 pm and 75 degrees.
Things are never what they seem. Fins. On the surface a playful dophin. Underneath? A hungry shark in disguise.
I start out with a premise that I adore. I love it. Can't wait to start. Write the first sentence. YES!!! and they're off.
1000 words. Oh my gosh. This is GOOD. This is going to be big. BIG I tell you.
5000 words. THIS IS THE BEST F***ing STUFF I'VE EVER WRITTEN!!!
10,000 words. hmmm should I change the male nurse to a female transvestite? And a cat. Maybe a dog. Or a fish. And the location. Greece, I think...
20,000 words. This is going nowhere. Maybe a novella. If I do a novella this could be the first draft. I could be done.
30,000 words. Okay what else. There's not enough story here. Instead of Greece maybe Peoria...but that kind of nixes the transvestite. I'll make her a plumber.
40,000 words. Oh no. Now the cat is the main character. And he's swearing too much.
50,000 words. This sucks. No. This REALLY sucks. This sucks so much it's reverse suck.
60,000 words. I'll change the title. Good. Now I have to change the main character's name. Now the POV. I wonder what it would be like in first person limited Omniscient?
70,000 words. I guess it WAS better third person. I'm moving it to Greece again and changing her back to a transvestite.
75,000 words. Portland. How about Portland. And her name's Michelle. No. Donna. No. Sally. No. Leah. No. I think Michelle is good.
80,000 words. Hey. This is getting good. Just a few more line edits (note to self- are there kangaroos in New Zealand)
85,000 words.Oh my gosh. This is GOOD. This is going to be big. BIG I tell you.
90,000 words. This really sucks...

So that's how it is for me. How is it for you?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!***###@@@!!!***###@@@!!!***###AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY AIRBORNE

PLEASE JOIN ME IN WISHING AIRBORNE A VERY HAPPY 26TH BIRTHDAY

On January first all thoroughbreds become one year older no matter what their birth date. Airborne has owned me for over 20 years. In his younger days he was the Hawaii State Jumper Champion for years. He's done it all...
Combined Training and Dressage.

Hunters and Jumpers.


Whatever I've asked him to do he has done willingly with a flair all his own. We've been in clinics with George Morris, Greg Best, Victor Hugo Vidal, Sally O'Connor, General Burton among others...and Airborne has wowed them all.
He has his own unique style. Unmistakable.In a class by himself.A horse in a million.
The four and a half foot fences he used to jump are now cross rails. His canter is a bit stiff and his trot somewhat uneven. But he's still going strong.
And I still learn from him. He takes each day at a time. Appreciates that carrot in his feed tub and a roll in soft grass. He rumbles and nickers when I drive up and already recognizes my new car.
When I make my resolutions for 2008 I've decided to be more like Airborne.
To be thankful for what I have instead of yearning for what I don't.
To do everything possible to excel and never let those who depend on me, down.
To look for those carrots in unlikely places.
And take time to relax and just roll.
So how about you? What are your New Years Resolutions?
NOTE:
This just in: London, England. Heathrow Airport Borders.
Sent by a vigilant blogger.

My loyal but honest husband made me add several more New Years Resolutions:
Stop googling my name obsessively (Note: I am not obsessive -- I just have to do it every thirty minutes).
Stop leaving the sponge in the bottom of the sink all wet and gushy (in my defense since I use it as a cat weapon it has to stay gushy for optimum effect).
Refrain from mentioning anything remotely to do with publishing for at least five minutes out of a 24 hour day (Hey...people are interested... aren't they...hey hey come back! Hey why are they all walking away?).
Have a fabulous 2008 everyone!