Tuesday, May 27, 2008

ON THE SUBJECT OF ADORATION AND STRANGE REQUESTS

Two...count them. ONE - TWO days until I leave for London. "All my bags are packed...I'm ready to go..." NOT!

Okay so now we're going to talk about strange requests and the life of an author. The above shot was taken at the Celebrate Reading conference. This is Chad or Ted or Jason...whatever...
anyway
He didn't want his copy of Lottery signed...no...it would ruin it! He made it clear he was not one of those readers who dog-earred pages of novels or highlighted important phrases in text books -- Instead he asked me to deface his face. I complied. It was kind of like performance art. He had his friend take a photo and then voila! Instant signature, art, and fame. Well signature. At least until his shower that night.
Now there are the emails.
Some let me know I have been lucky enough to win the LOTTERY in Uzbekistan or Lithuania or France. All I have to do is send them all of my banking information, my social security number, and pay the taxes in cash. And then I'll get my money.
Others encourage me to order Viagra and other amazing pharmaceuticals that promise to increase the size of organs I don't even have.
But my favorite so far is my pen pal S.J. Joshi from India. He has been professing his undying love and adoration to me.
Over and over and over. All he wants (he says) is a signed photograph of me.
Right.
He couldn't be serious, I thought. I am after all a 54 er uh 55 year old woman. I doubted his love so I'm embarrassed to say didn't answer. His emails still came faithfully.
Okay...I decided to answer and I explained that I was probably not who he had in mind...he was confused...understandably so as when I look at the picture on my book jacket it IS possible someone could think of me in that romantic way.
I tried to soften the blow...
He still replied. Ignoring my attempts to stifle his love and admiration.
I thought maybe he's for real. Maybe I should google him.
And then.
Devastation. Betrayal. I stumbled upon the EXACT SAME EMAIL he sent to me but THIS ONE was sent to some musician-who-shall-remain- nameless.
I am bereft.
Tragically and utterly undone.
Here it is for your perusal:

"My Dear Musicians,
With due respect and humble submission,I beg to draw your kind attention that this is one of my countless attempts to reach you, and needless to say once again that I am an ardent admirer of yours.In fact,I am growing accustomed to your fame.
But now,it seems to me that you have decided,not to reply my letters of deep admiration,as this is one of my countless attempts to reach you.Please tell me ,is it good to break the heart,you are ruling?It's a pity! it's a pity! that I am still writing to you.In fact,you are my source of inspiration.That is why,I use to write to time and again despite your apathy towards me.Upon my words,you are absolutely unique and beyond compare.And you are my ideal of a perfect personality.
Therefore,I'll be grateful to you,if you please take the trouble of sending me your much awaited and cherished autographed photograph,for memento.Because when I'll grow too old to dream,I'll have this memento of yours ,to remember.Please take a very good care of yourself.
With high regards
S.K.Joshi"

Where did I go wrong? What could I have done to save our relationship?
I take my solace in the fact that I found out about his duplicity before I sent my photograph.
Before I became wholly involved.
Be still my pounding heart.
A tear creeps down my unsigned and unphotographed cheek.
I entreat my blogging buddies to cheer me out of my despondency.
What?
Oh.
That's right.
I get to go to London.
I feel MUCH better...

PS (Check out ELLO'S Blog Wednesday "Dr. Gigi Durham, the author of the Lolita Effect, the media sexualization of young girls and what we can do about it, is guest appearing on ello's blog Wednesday to answer questions on this very important topic. It would be wonderful if you could help spread the word or at the very least stop by and be part of the Q&A discussions.")

20 comments:

Janna Qualman said...

Maybe you'll meet a handsome, accented admirer in London. ;) Have fun and be safe!

Carleen Brice said...

Have a fab time!!!

Chumplet said...

He probably sells them on EBay. Since you already had an ARC on EBay, maybe you should just chalk it up to another fan boy experience.

ORION said...

Fan boy! Could it be?
Could he just be interested in my *gasp*
fame?
Oh fate could not be so cruel.

*I'm really getting into this wronged damsel act*

ORION said...

and yeah Janna...maybe I will...and maybe my husband might have something to say about that LOL!

Ello said...

I am so jealous you are going to London! Have a great time!

And thank you thank you for plugging for me!

David Isaak said...

Have fun in London Town and gush all over Rose Tremain for me. (And gush all over yourself, for that matter, if such a thing is possible.)

The biggest concentration of bookstores is on Charing Cross Road and its little intersecting street, Cecil Court. Lottery is all over the place, in its slightly more garish British incarnation, with all the floating greenbacks.

Sorry we won't cross paths, but I'll buy you a drink on Oahu some time. We still visit the alma mater often.

Margaret Yang said...

You know, the Joshi guy might be doing a bit of performance art himself. Just for fun, to see how many autographed photos of famous people he can collect. It's sort of a dumbed-down version of "The Lazlo Letters." (See that book if you want to laugh!)

Trish Ryan said...

Wait! I thought S.J. only loved me????

Maprilynne said...

I am hereby calling up a swarm of dragonflies to accompany you to London. Go, little dragonflies. Go!!

!!!Good Luck!!!

Holly Kennedy said...

Hilarious!
Have fun in London, Pat.

Love, love, LOVE the lantern post from yesterday, btw.

laughingwolf said...

dang pat! here i thunk all this time i was your sole secret admirer! :(

oh well... pehaps you'll run into sean connery in london? ;) lol

have a great time....

Lisa said...

Or you could meet James Marsters. I know you'd like that! And your husband wouldn't be at all jealous. Good luck and have fun!

ORION said...

ohhhhh James!!!!!
I'm already going to see Ralph Fiennes in a play -- the gods of carnage - if I saw James too it might just put me over the edge...

Polly Kahl said...

Fan Boy might be angling for eventually requesting your banking information, social security number and cash. Maybe you should send him some info on viagra?

Julie Weathers said...

Would you like me to send Martha and Tilley to cheer you up?

ChrisEldin said...

I'll be anxiously awaiting reports from London!!!
You go, girl!!!!
:-)

ORION said...

Just finished packing and loading the suitcases in the car.
Hugged the cats.
Charging phones, ipods, computer, cards...LOL

will get 4 and a half hours sleep...

I promise to post when I get to LONDON!!!!

Les said...

Have a wonderful (and safe) trip!! Best of luck!!!

Sayuri said...

Bon Voyage!
And Good Luck!