Thursday, October 04, 2007

STUPID AUTHOR TRICKS, UNINTERRUPTED WRITING TIME AND OTHER FANTASIES...

OKAY SO SHOOT ME...

At least it's a PRIUS and not a PORSCHE.

10:37 and 75 degrees inside ORION and 85 degrees outside ORION.
Air conditioning status: cool...very cool.

Let's get this over with right off the bat. It's a complete and utter fallacy that writing becomes easier once an author becomes published. No.
An author's life is one interruption after another

pitter patter gallumph CRASH!!!!!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN THERE???!!!!!

nothing...



type type type type
finally getting somewhere...

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

(hit save hit save remember to hit save)
*climbs companionway and looks out

"Down here!!!"

"I'm selling chocolate covered plankton for the school...do you want to buy some? It's so our band can go to Sea World..."

*be polite. Say yes. It's a deduction.

type type type type type

ding ding ding
email
EGO: oh an email. I'll read it later when I have time.

ID: WHAT??!!!ARE YOU KIDDING!!! IT"S PROBABLY FROM OPRAH!!!YOU BETTER READ IT!

EGO: Now just calm down ID you're never going to get anything done if you answer each and every email as soon they come in.

ID: ARE YOU F***ING NUTS!!!THIS COULD BE IMPORTANT!!!IT COULD BE THE PULITZER PRIZE COMMITTEE NEEDING YOUR ADDRESS TO SEND YOU THE CHECK!!!!

EGO: Oh ego be reasonable...

ID: I AM BEING REASONABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*much time is wasted listening to id and ego argue
**looks at watch
Oh no.
Must make cat hat out of grapefruit rind.

ORION HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
LEFT THE BUILDING
LEFT THE BUILDING

42 comments:

ORION said...

FYI
This post is because Holly Kennedy said since I have no kids at home that I don't know WHAT interruptions are...

Zany Mom said...

Holly's right. We have all of those distractions, including the window and siding people, band fundraisers, magazine salesmen, dogs eating cat turds, dogs chewing socks, in addition to Mom!! He's breathing on me! Mom! She kicked me!! Mom!! The dog crapped on the carpet! Mom!! What's for dinner! Mom! The internet's not working! Mom!! There's nothing on TV!! Mom!! She locked me out of the bathroom! Mom!! The toilet's overflowing!! Mom!! The cat puked on the couch! Mom!! The dog spilled my milk! Mom!! I have no clean clothes to wear. Mom!! Where's my helmet!! Mom! Can you get my bike out of the basement? Mom!! Mom!! Mom!!

Cue in the beagle howling next door, and the gearheads on the other side revving the engine and idling on/off/on/off/on/off/on/off for hours on end, and the rap/reggae...

What were you saying about distractions on a boat?!

;)

Zany Mom said...

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I got 15,000 words written in a month. That's something. :D

Holly Kennedy said...

Pat, this PROVES my point.
Who has this kind of time?!
Your poor cat. She is the epitome of the word 'humiliation'. Is she the one who keeps trying to run away when you leave the hatch open?
Ha! Come live a day in my world.
You'd be medicated before nightfall!

Kimber An said...

You're so funny, Pat. Hey, you're a mommy, albeit to grown-ups. You should be a real pro at dealing with interruptions!
;)

Bookfool said...

LOL! I love the grapefruit hat!!

I just dropped by to let you know that my review of Lottery is now available for your reading pleasure. I hope you like it. Actually, I really hope you don't think it sucks and have my fingers crossed that you will not print it out for your cats to use as shredding material. Here 'tis:

http://estellabooks.blogspot.com/

Page down about 3/4; there's no index, this month (so far). I completely forgot to send your blog URL for Andi to post. I'll see if I can get her to add that.

I'm done interrupting you. I really, really want you to hurry up and publish a second book, you see. So, I'll just shut up, now. BTW, I'm sure Oprah will call, if she hasn't already.

Stephen Parrish said...

THE MARBLES HAVE LEFT ORION
LEFT ORION
LEFT ORION

ORION said...

ha ha ha ha ha Stephen!

Kim Stagliano said...

Love the car!!! Adore the license "number" but that Hawaii rainbow? So wouldn't fly in New England - "Live Free of Die" ring a bell? LOL! We're a little harsher here I guess.

And I'll buy a case of the chocolate covered plankton. So I can F-"eel" better.

Distractions? Oh yeah.

Ello said...

How do you make a grapefruit hat that cute? That was so funny! And I love the license plate!

Catherine J Gardner / Phoenix Rendell said...

Nice to see it's not just me who procrastinates - grapefruit hat LOL.

moonrat said...

oh my goodness. your blog made me fall on the FLOOR laughing. how have i not been here before?!

The Writers' Group said...

Pat, love the cats! Mine are equally distracting, but I'm with Holly: dogs, cats, six kids running in and out all day. It's a wonder I get anything done! Apparently you do, though. Lottery is amazing.

Amy MacKinnon

ORION said...

Thanks moonrat!
I aim to please...

John Elder Robison said...

My brother has a Prius, too.

I have a MINI for those times when nothing but a small cute car will do.

JenKneeBee said...

ha! i LOVE the grapefruit hat! maybe i can make my dog a cantelope hat...

Anonymous said...

Cute post, but it's your ID that would be making the gratification demands and your Super Ego would be trying to squelch it into submission.

Your Ego would moderate.

ORION said...

Hey with them arguing all the time I don't know which one is which!

ORION said...

Okay anonymous I identified them properly!
a MINI!!!!!!!! JOHN?????? you FIT into a MINI??????

David L. McAfee said...

*David looks at Pat's Prius, listens to John talk about his brother's Prius and his MINI, then David tucks the key to his mostly unnecessary Dodge Durango out of sight so no one can see them*

Nice Prius! :) We looked at some Civic Hybrids when Heather needed a new car but she didn't like them.

"But Honey," I said, "50 MPG!"

She wasn't buying it. She liked the little black Kia. Ah, well. Most of the time I ride my motorcycle, anyway (65 MPG).

Oh, and I LOVE the cat hat! Are you taking orders? I'd like to buy two...

LadyBronco said...

*sigh*

I love my little green Kia.

Pat, you had me laughing at
"(hit save hit save remember to hit save)"

Classic!

Sam said...

There are days like that.
Usually as you're staring at a looming dealine.
:-)

I'm reading Lottery and LOVING it!!

Zany Mom said...

I want John's Mini. :(

Seriously considered one recently but decided that driving around with 2 kids (one bigger than I am) and 3 dogs it just wasn't going to work out. But I test drove it 4 times, I wanted it so bad!!!!

In the end I got a boring, invisible, subcompact sedan...with a spoiler. ;)

I still want a Mini. Or a Beetle.

Rebecca Burgess said...

I just got a hybrid myself and love it. It's one of the small SUV versions because I have two kids still in car seats. But it gets about 30 MPG, a huge improvement over the 17 our old Suburban managed on its best day.

David, I know how you feel about hiding your keys. I was almost too embarrassed to go grocery shopping when we still had our nine seat gas guzzler. Especially when only myself and two small kids crawled out of it.

Carla said...

Love the cat hat :-)

Writer on Board said...

A novel, a Prius, a cat, AND a grapefruit sombrero? Congrats again.

Patti said...

you have no idea how helpful this is going to be for me. a million thanks. oh, and nice hat...

Church Lady said...

You're a feliner milliner! I love your distractions!! LOL!

Zany's house sounds like mine :-)

writtenwyrdd said...

We all make our own interruptions. My excuses are always that I don't have enough time because I'm gone 13 hours per day and go to bed an hour after I get home. Yet I know I have opportunity to write every day if I just DO IT. We are all liars to ourselves.

Wendy Roberts said...

I'm sorry Pat but after I picked myself off the floor from laughing at your cat, I do have to agree with Holly. I guess that's 'cause I'm the mother of 4 interruptions lol.

Gay said...

I know Holly is right. I have one kid, now in college. I am broke, but my writing time quadrupled overnight... or it would have, if I didn't spend time at your blog.

Keep up the silliness. I need a distraction once in a while, just so I don't have to go cold turkey.

sunjunkie said...

Oh, if only you had posted the stuff about the cats *before* I adopted 2 kittens from a local shelter! Did I say kittens? Well, they *look* like kittens, all cute and cuddly. Only after you get them home do you learn they are BESET BY DEMONS! My plants have all committed suicide to spare themselves a slow death by torture, and the entire first floor has been reconfigured for damage control. Yet when the little monsters curl up on my lap and purr their furry little heads off, I melt. Demons.

Melissa Marsh said...

I've got four different types of interruptions: canine, feline, children, and husband. :-)

Had to stop by and tell you that I snatched your book off the library shelf today and eagerly started reading it on my lunch break. One word: brilliant!

ORION said...

Oh how nice to hear!
I love it when readers comment on my blog!!!
OK I'm still practicing my hat making techniques much to the disgust of my cats.
AND
typing away at WIP...

Michelle O'Neil said...

That's quite the fancy cat helmet.

....and chocolate covered plankton? Really?

Alan aka Avrum ben Avrum said...

Dear Patricia,

I just posted a "thank you" on my blog at www.writersstockintrade.blogspot.com
I am glad you liked "Lamentations" a slight revision of which appears on my other blog thebookofben.blogspot.com.

I enjoyed your blog very much. Great photos. We have four kittens and they are always getting into things especially in the wee hours when I do a lot of my writing.

I'll be back often and I hope you will visit me at both my blogs.

Many thanks.

I am,

Very Sincerely yours,

Alan D. Busch

I

ORION said...

If you all want to read what real writing is - take a look at Alan's blog.
I was profoundly moved.
This is what's so wonderful about blogs.
WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' PUBLISHERS
to read some really outstanding stuff!
Let support each other.

Demon Hunter said...

Love the grapefruit hat! LOL! And the license plate! Too great! :*)

Dana said...

Love the license plate.

Distractions? You saw one of my 'distractions' the other day. Remember? The poopie one?

Liz said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog...hope you catch the 'buttinchair' disease and avoid all of the many fun distractions writers seem to find.

I think I've eradicated said disease from my offspring, at least for today.

Josephine Damian said...

Josephine's rules for living:

Cats: Unless I hear glass break, I don't get up (bed, couch, writing chair, whatever) to see what mischief the little monsters are making.

Phone: Ringer turned off permanently. It's: People, get used to voice mail, leave a freakin' message or don't bother calling.

Answer the doorbell? Never happens.

Email/Internet: I write in WORD while NOT logged onto the internet. If I need to look up a quick fact while writing, I log on, google, log off - this way no voice disrupts yelling: "Mail truck," no pop up's saying "New message received" - no blog surfing.

And when I'm a rich and famous writer (ha!), it'll be two computers in two rooms - one computer/room for writing (with NO internet hooked up) and another computer/room for mindless web grazing.

And I haven't bothered with holidays for YEARS and am all the more happy because it.

Chumplet said...

No kidding. It could be Oprah. Hey, I think I saw that kitty helmet somewhere else. Ridley wouldn't stand for it, but he loves to caress carrots. Never mind.