Post-Fake Hawaiian Apocalypse: Day 15

Aloha from the still existing great and gullible state of Hawaii... Yeah. After the fact I totally get that a missile heading for Hawaii was unlikely, but on a Saturday morning before my tenth cup of coffee I have a very high threshold (or is it low threshold?) for believing three impossible things before breakfast. Anyway I decided my long neglected blog ought to be revived... either that or I post something every two or three years just to keep my hand in. I will ruminate on that.

I GUESS IT WAS SOMETHING I SAID...

So much for good intentions… The good news is that my next novel CUPIDITY is out

It's available on kindle and in paperback. So now it's on to the next one...

WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?

THE END… Good. My manuscript is finished. Or pretty much done. Nearly there. Whatever… Little voices in my head. My characters bickering with me. Bickering with each other. "You aren't done with us are you?" "Don't we have to save the world? Fall in Love? Have a terminal disease and have a really poignant death scene?" No, I tell them. You behave. You're done. I made you do everything you need to do. Stop bothering me. "But she got more lines than I did." "Hey, that's because I was the main character." "*cough* *cough* I don't think so." "Well I was key in the inciting incident." "No I think you were key in comic relief." "Stop hitting me." "You started it." "Did not." "Did too." "Did not." Can. You. All. BE QUIET! I'm trying to get some sleep. *Whisper* "See what you did? Now you pissed her off." "What do you mean me? You were the one who said we needed to do more." "Yeah well I think she missed some opportunities. This manuscript could really do well except for your portrayal." "MY portrayal? MY PORTRAYAL??!!!" "I just don't think you're sympathetic enough." "I'm sympathetic. You're deeply flawed. DEEPLY flawed." If you guys can't shut up I will write you BOTH out of this book. You hear me? "This is all your fault." "YOUR fault." "YOUR FAULT." "What's that sound?" "Uh oh. She's going over to her computer." "She's typing." "Hey we're sor_" "Please. Don't ARRRRGGG_" Ah. Blessed silence. Being an author is much more pleasant without characters...

DUE TO POPULAR DEMAND...

It is time, the walrus said (paraphrasing), to speak of many things. I chose to have the walrus talk about revival. Revival: restoration comeback resurgence After much procrastination I have finally decided to begin blogging again. (Steve this one's for you). I'm a bit rusty. Of course I have no time. But here's the thing. I miss all my Blogger compatriots and then there's Facebook...weeeelllll hmmmm... let's not get into trashing Facebook. Oh Heck. Let's. The advertisements (Thumbs down) The creeeeeeepy friend requests (Double thumbs down) The insidious ways it has of FORCING you to PLAY STUPID games and waste MASSIVE amounts of time. It's not like I have any control over what I do. I lost that a long time ago when I installed my first dial up internet connection back in the day. I digress. We were talking about Blogging capital B. I was thinking I didn't have the time. I was thinking that I needed help. I realized this morning that I do have help. My characters. Wasn't it E L Doctorow who said writing is socially acceptable schizophrenia? I have a ton of them in my head. I will draw on their help to create posts that I hope will be worth reading. I know they will be worth writing. SO: Open the comments section. Start your engines. Let the blogging begin. Now. This first blog post is dedicated to: Chris. The Church Lady. RIP

Light of Paris

KEEPING MUM ABOUT THE LOTTERY OR...

No use shutting the barn door after all the horses have escaped.
I was asked by CNN to do an op-ed piece on winning the LOTTERY and staying anonymous.
The responses in the comments section were quite interesting.
Some thought I was a blatant promoter of my book - trust me CNN was the one who put the links in.
Some offered their own so-called expert opinions - Well I think you have to win or be related to a winner to be considered an expert.
Some thought by doing the op-ed piece I was contradicting my advice - um, no. As I noted above it's too late to keep quiet about it after it's been in all the papers.
And others made observations about my looks to my intelligence- Not sure what any of that had to do about my opinion piece.
It wasn't meant to be news.
But it was fun to write.
And that's what we writers enjoy. Stringing those words together.

BLOGGING ABOUT WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

I got to thinking during APEC. You know when they rounded up all the homeless so the state of Hawaii wasn't embarrassed? Why is it 'out of sight...out of mind?'

Not sure what I can do about this but I guess I can change my attitude. For me it's now 'there but for fortune,'

Is there a path we can take? Or is this something we learn to accept as part of society?
What do you think?

A BRAND NEW START...INTRODUCING TOOTOOLOOSE...

I GOOD BOT CAT.

I PLAYZ HARD.

I LEARNING MANERZ FROM GRANMA

I SLEPZ WHER I WANT

YUP...LIF IS GUD...

TOOLOOSE: 2000 - 2011

THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF TOOLOOSE WOOD

1. I lev my toyz to girl kittee.

2. I lev my ideaz to Pat Wood author even tho she will nut du justiz to them.

3. I lev peeze to the wurld.

"I'd rather be ashes than dust..." He lived his life to the fullest.

What is there to say?

Cardio myopathy is the leading cause of sudden death in otherwise healthy cats. We miss him horribly. Tooloose was well known in the harbor as a "bow guard". He was an escape artiste. And a writer.

His opus REVENGE OF THE ALIEN SPACE MONKEEZ remains a testament to his talent and is unfinished.

Like Truman Capote I can only find paragraphs and vague outlines. There was a detailed plan on his future book tour and interview with Barbara Walters. And the photos he wanted in People magazine.

I offer this all as a memorial...

Hooray for POLAND!!!

The Polish edition of Lottery was released and I had great fun googling and translating reviews.
I surely AM a glutton for flattery in any language.

TMS: TOO MUCH STUFF

Sometimes more seems like better...
This sailboat has a case of the "I gotta have" and the "can't throw away"



It's tempting to think two kayaks are better than one. That you will save on that 24 gallon jug of olive oil...or shampoo...or mouthwash...

There was a reason I posted this photograph. You see it's just exactly like writing a novel. You start out with a nice clean idea and then you start to add things.
I'm writing a simple coming of age story about a young man who's looking for his father and turns into a vampire...who saves the world...and then there's this sidekick who dabbles in real estate and I need the history of the financial meltdown of 2008 in there and of course the vampire back story of all 357 years. And then they get sent forward in time and arrive at a space station...

Well you get it...

SUNSET, A BUST, AND THOU...

So GW and I hung out on the deck and watched the sunset after a day full of thunder, lightening, rain, and hail.





Suddenly four police cars and an ambulance pull up amid shouting of GET OFF MY F***ING BOAT!!

Ah the ambiance of a harbor...

THE GOLDEN RULE AS TAKEN FROM BAMBI

"If you can't say something nice...don't say nothing at all."

Every book does not appeal to every reader. I just read a post about an author trashing another author's book.
Why would an author do this? After reading the adversarial exchanges between some authors and reviewers I have to shake my head...
It seems facebook and the Internet gives us the anonymity so we are able to feel entitled to take those cheap shots.
Would people say the same things face to face, I wonder.
I'm going to take a page from TOOLOOSE'S book. As a cat and being easily distracted, he learns from them and then lets these things go.
So TOOLOOSE do you have any wise words for us?


MY BOK ALIEN SPAZE MONKEEZE IS NUT FER EVERYONE.
IT IS HARD TO WRIT EZPECIALLY WITH NO APOZABLE THUMBS.
AL I CIN SAY IZ BE NIZE TO EACH UTHER.

I guess that's it in a nutshell. Be nice.

YOU CAN'T GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING...PEOPLE THINK!!!!

Another email came into my author account.
Big sigh...
A victim of this scam...AND IT IS A SCAM. It has nothing to do with my Spanish publisher or me or my novel Lottery.

Patricia Wood Award Program
Corporate Office Madrid, Spain.
Reference: ES/99/82/70
Batch: No: PW/23/51/AP
Lucky No: 36/64/19/11
Dear: Beneficiary.
On behalf of Spanish Patricia Wood Awards Staffs wishes to congratulate you on your success as one of our four lucky winner of the online Award held on 1th
july 2010 in Spain. This makes you the proud owner of a prize of 350,000.00 Euros (Three Hundred and Fifty Thousand Euro) in cash. All 4 winning addresses
were randomly selected from a batch of 50,000,000 international email addresses and your email was among the first Four (4) lucky winners. Therefore you do
not need to buy ticket to enter for it. Your winnings will be issued to you as soon as our Spanish claims department verifies your winning after you might
have filled this payment processing form that is below.
(Fill and Send To the Assigned Claims Agent Via Email)
Full Name:
Age:
Occupation:
Address:
COUNTRY:
Phone No:
Mobile No:
Fax If Any:
Winning Email Address:
Assigned Claims Agent: Dr.Eduardo Pablo
E-mail:claims_unit11@hotmail.com
For More Info Call Tel: +34-622-646-594
Yours Sincerely
Spinazzola, Karen.
{Online coordinator}



DON'T BE SUCKED IN!!! I have received several emails from people chastising me for being a part of this and trust me...I AM NOT A PART OF THIS!

I'm hoping this blog post will come up on google when people research this BEFORE they send money.

LESSON HERE? If it seems to good to be true?
It is...

BREAD LOAF BONFIRE AND THOU

You must imagine the fire. The shivering bodies. The mosquitos. The bears and ticks hidden just in the shadows.
What I have learned so far.
Optimism in critiquing.
Analyzing a story helps find the center or core and the themes that traverse your narrative.
Creative pieces are worth being created.
There is a humbleness here that I embrace.
more later.
much more later.

THIS IS MY BRAIN...THIS IS MY BRAIN ON BREAD LOAF...

RE-THINK


So I started walking every morning...picked up the CRUMB which is the Bread Loaf daily paper. I'm in the middle of a meadow on the edge of the woods when I read this sentence:

DO NOT PET THE BABY BEARS OR BABY MOOSE AS THEIR MOTHERS WILL PROBABLY (MOST LIKELY) WITH CERTAINTY ATTACK YOU.
Well it may have been worded not quite so strongly but that's what I thought I read.
I took off running back to the campus. Then I screeched to a stop.
Don't bears take running away as a sign of weakness? I started to tip toe away.
Then I heard a sound.
A moose sound.
Well a bird really, but it could have been a moose.
I decided to jog really REALLY fast.
When I reached safety I mentioned my fears to hardy and forest-smart Vermonters.
"Pooh!" they said. "We've not seen any bear or moose around here."
I breathed a sigh of relief.

"But you have to be on the look out for ticks," they said."Those pests will get into anything."

"TICKS???!!!" My voice got all squeaky and I started peeling up my pants leg and examining anything that looked tick-like.

It was hard as I haven't ever seen a tick. Most of what I picked off myself was fluff balls from my black socks. One can't be too careful...

I don't walk in the woods in the mornings anymore. Instead I'm walking along highway 125.
Large diesel spewing trucks I can handle.
Ticks I can't.

A CHAIR BY THE FIRE...

Exhausted after the dance in the barn. The halfway point. After lectures and craft classes and workshops we needed a break.
What happened exactly after I found myself dancing between Andrea Barrett and Margot Livesey?
I'll never tell.
What goes on at Bread Loaf...Stays in Bread Loaf...

HAPPYMAKING JOYOUS DAY

What I learned today:

Poets kick ass.

Solitude is critical for recharging.

And a quote provided from Jane Hirschfield:

"Insight is not achieved by domestication."

BREAD LOAF PASTORAL

So here's the thing.
Bread Loaf Writers Conference is magic.
I'm under its spell already and I've only been here a day. I'm meeting writers of all types, kinds, and sizes and getting inspired by their stories.
Today I heard readings by Linda Gregerson and Jim Shepard and was in awe.
I have my alarm set for 6:30 am and plan to wander the property and visualize what it was like to meet Robert Frost, Willa Cather and all the other authors who have strolled the grounds.
I will answer any questions that my blogging buddies may have...
Write on!

YIPPEE SKIPPEE ON MY WAY TO BREAD LOAF...

Back in May I found out I was accepted to the Bread Loaf Writers Conference and then I immediately damaged myself to celebrate (not really but that's the way it appeared...)
So then I've now gotten my workshop assignment (Jim Shephard) and received my fellow workshopper manuscripts (what are we called anyway??? Not sure.)
AND
I have packed necessary items like my Kindle, ipod, notebooks, mosquito repellent, rain poncho and a few clothes, gotten my boarding pass and am counting down the minutes before leaving for the airport.
So...
I will try to sneak off and post plaintive bulletins, cries for help, or effusive rantings so my pain and joy can be felt vicariously.
Isn't that what writers do anyway?

Wish me luck!

SORRY BLOGGER I HAVE SINNED

Okay so the time got away from me being wounded and all...And I must admit that Blogger wasn't the first thing on my mind when I woke up each morning trying to get my knee or hand to work *insert violin music here*.
So...
I decided to make an effort to post regularly again. There is no better means of procrastination for a writer than Blogger. Anyway I also decided to do some short story writing and flash fiction just for giggles and snorts.
And...
Anything else that Tooloose the cat thinks would be useful.
Or...
Recent altercations with the non-writing world.
Such as...

Friday night I went for a walk down the quay (fancy name for a dock when you are writing a story and need to use the word "dock" a lot and find you used it like twenty times in one paragraph so you need to figure out all the different ways to say dock: like "finger pier" and "wharf" and... um... well dock...)
Anyway.
A boat owner down the way had been indulging in spirits (A fancy way to say "drunk" "blotto" "wasted" "inebriated")
He collapsed on my shoulder and said in my ear. "You're the author lady."
It was a statement I couldn't disagree with.
He continued.
"Boy do I have some ideas for you!"
(I won't put in the slurring, hiccups, or belches.)
I believe my response was something along the lines of the Church Lady's "Well isn't that special."
This didn't dissuade him. On the contrary. It seemed to encourage him.
"I got these dreams Yanno! Horrible things. Nightmares that would make really good stories if I could remember them. You want me to try?"
"No, that's okay. I wouldn't want you to go to any trouble."
"Oh it's no trouble."
"No, really."
"Honest I'll start now."
"No. Please."
Note: It's hard to get words of protest out of your mouth and breathe as you are running away from a drunk down a dock and trying not to fall in the water at the same time, but it can be done.
You see there is one phrase that chills the heart of any writer.
Somebody. Anybody saying:
"I got this idea for a book..."
Personally it gives me the heebie jeebies.
What are YOUR fearsome phrases?

SLACKER

So let's take a look at how I stand.

Status Left Hand 6 weeks after surgery: Thumb 45%, first finger 40%. middle finger 100% (I mean really what is it good for except for that), fourth finger 20%, little finger ISN"T EVEN TRYING!!!! Come on you weenie!!

Status: Right knee 2 weeks after surgery: Bending 80%, walking 90%, climbing stairs 75%.
Now this is more like it.
It's apparent to me that Mr. Left Hand is not motivated to improve like Mr. Right Knee. Come on now. Do you expect everybody to be doing everything for you forever?
Is this fair?
Mr. Right Hand is grumbling and writing letters to see if he can get some action here.
He thinks Leftie is faking it. (What kind of a name is leftie anyway. It sounds subversive)
I can't help but think Rightie has a point when I see you lolling around on a couple of pillows being waited on hand and hand.

Be advised you're being put on notice.
The rest of the body parts are ready to revolt.
You may find you'll have to explain yourself and that won't make Mr. Mouth one bit happy...
Consider this a warning.

THIS IS A NEW ONE...

From Dewayne USA,

Dear Friend

How are You Today? I am Sergent Dewayne Pittman, an active American soldier serving in Iraq,

I am serving in the military of the 1st Armored Division in Iraq, as our mission here is highly exclusive due to insurgents everyday and car bombs are attacking our peaceful mission here.

We managed to secure funds from the war zone. The total amount is US$ 23 Million dollars in cash.

We want to move this money out of Iraq now because this place is a war zone,however we plan to give you 30% of the total money and you keep our share of 70% for us till when we will come over to meet you in your country.this is a cool deal and you must keep it confidential for security reason.

No strings attached, just help us move it out of Iraq, Iraq is a war zone. We plan on using diplomatic courier and shipping the money out in large box, using diplomatic immunity.

If you are interested I will send you the full details, my job is to find a good partner that we can trust and that will assist us. Can you be trusted? Please When you receive this letter, kindly send me an e-mail signifying your interest including your most confidential telephone/fax numbers for quick communication also your contact details. as a U.S soldier i am ashureing you 100% risk free.

The box can be shipped out in 48hrs if you want to handle the deal with us as partner.

Should you be interested, please contact me,so we can commence all arrangements and I Will give you more information on how we would handle this project.

Respectfully,
SSG Dewayne Pittman



DER DEWAYNE,
I DO NUT TINK SO.
PS(CHEK YER SPELING)
TOOLOOSE

I'LL TAKE FRIES WITH THAT MACSPEECH...

This post is brought to you by MacSpeech.
Okay the thing is. I can't say naughty words. This limits me. You'd think with only one arm the idea of having speech recognition software would be way cool. And it is. BUT I can't say 90 words. That 90 should be naughty. NOT T. NOT be. NOT a. 90 night he not see. There are some glitches. I can't say 90 words. I can't say bad words. No bad words. Not shift. Not Fox. Not Butthead. Oh! I can say Butthead!!! Can I say damn? Yup. Can I say hell? Yup. My cat to lose (two loose). Well that was close. Keep in mind I'm not using the keys at all to do this blog. It's harder than it might look. Or maybe not. Possibly it looks worse. I still wanna say fark. F. you see Kay.
I have eight weeks to get used to this. I will either teach MacSpeech to be knotty. Or my vocabulary will be cleaned up. Stay tuned.
MacSpeech -- five
Patricia Wood -- one
I cheated. I had to type... it kept spelling my name as would...

ANATOMY OF A BOO BOO or THE REAL STORY

It seemed so simple.
Taking the mail and dropping it in the mailbox. We walked around the end of the harbor, a stiff breeze came up and tossed an envelope into the water, It seemed such a simple thing to bend over the rocky ledge and reach for it.Seconds later I found myself tumbling down the barnacle and coral covered rocks and plunged into filthy harbor water over my head...fast forward to ER and the to surgery to repair damaged nerves and re-attach tendons.
After a few nights of lux care at Queens Hospital I'm home and back on the keyboard with my good right hand and trusty TOOLOOSE volunteering to finish my next book for me...He feels the addition of a few alien space monkeys improves any tome.
Stay tuned.
FYI:
This message has been brought to you by Vicodan.

WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE OR DIDN'T I JUST POST?

How a writer feels:
A photo is worth 87,000 words (the lengths of my first draft).


A ship out in the middle of the ocean: That's how it feels to be a writer.
And you're not alone. You have all these characters out there with you. Some of them are from other books you've written. Others are new but not fully formed so they are like faceless zombies that chase you around and want to eat your brains out.
Still others slowly morph into younger - older - taller - shorter versions of themselves. Sometime they even change sex. It's creepy.
And then there are all the vampires...
Well you start to get the idea of what the inside of my brain is like.
A little shop of horrors.
But I like this picture. You can't tell exactly where it is but it looks lonely doesn't it?
Well.
That's not entirely true.
I know where it is.
Any guesses from the peanut gallery?
Name your place and the prize you want.
Possible prizes:
1. A sense of worth.
2. Common sense
3. Sense of direction
4. Sense of decency
5. Two sense worth (okay okay cents...)

Other authors give away autographed books. I like to give away more useful items.

GUEST BLOG AND VOLCANO

Sounds like a still life title doesn't it?

This is for those who want to read a guest blog I did on revision and for those who want a photo of the Big Island Volcano...

I CAN NEVER KILL MY HUSBAND OR...HOW AUTHORS THINK...

This post can also be titled LIFE WITH A WRITER...

So we're at Pacific Ocean Producers because I had this vision of TOOLOOSE falling off the boat into the water and I thought, Hey! Let's get a big net just in case and um...
There were these fish bags and um...
I thought, gee wouldn't those be perfect to put a dead body inside...
Of course you'd have to see if they fit.
NOTE: They come in 4,5,6,7 and 8 foot lengths.
They are rather expensive ($190 - $300) but yanno price is no object if you want to kill your husband...or...er...um...write about it. Yeah. That's right.
It's research honey.
Entirely research.

BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING ME...

I used this line when I was teaching high school once and my student looked at me confused..."But I don't have a brother," she said.

That teeny tiny speck in the air is a helicopter and it was sitting there for an hour just hovering...
I'm not paranoid. Honest, but it was staring at me (can inanimate objects stare? I think so).
Anyway I used Big Brother to my advantage with this revision I'm doing.

Helicopter: What are you doing?

Me: I'm pouring coffee.

Helicopter: You already had coffee. Get back to work.

Me: (Meekly) Okay.

(20 minutes later)

Helicopter: What are you doing?

Me: Researching.

Helicopter: But your book doesn't have anything to do with cheap fares to Vegas.

Me: Oh, yeah well...

Helicopter: Get back to work.

Me: (Even more meekly) Okay.

(A half-hour later)

Helicopter: Where are you going?

Me: It's lunch time.

Helicopter: Eat at your desk.

Me: WHAT?!

Helicopter: You heard me.

Me: (WAY more meekly) okay...

(two hours later)

Helicopter: Hmmm...Something doesn't seem right.

TOOLOOSE disguised as ME: WUT DU U MEN?

Helicopter: Who was that person in a swimming suit on her way to the beach? She looked familiar.

TOOLOOSE disquised as ME: SUM STRANGER. I NEVER SA THEM BE4.

Helicopter: Okay.

IT'S SATURDAY...IT MUST BE A TSUNAMI

The tsunami siren went off at 6am but we were already getting ORION ready to leave the harbor. So were 100+ other boats.
Immediately the phone lines were jammed but we were too busy to talk...until we got 6 miles off shore and were watching dophins and whales and birds.
The all clear sounded and we all came back... Those behind us... And those ahead of us...

When we finally got back to our slip the tsunami was still surging and ebbing...
Keep in mind there is no way to predict exactly how big the tsunami waves are.
Better to be safe than sorry.
And that was MY weekend...